


The Ballad of Pamela Whalen

by Toongrrl1990



Series: Going Deep [5]
Category: Mrs. America (2020), Mrs. America - All Media Types
Genre: 1970s, 1980s, 1990s, Ableism, Abuse, Abusive Parents, Abusive Relationships, Angst with a Happy Ending, Aunts & Uncles, Bigotry, Character Development, Choose Your Own Adventure, Choose Your Own Ending, Complicated Relationships, Control Issues, Controlling Spouses, Depression, Emotional Abuse, Family, Feminism, Feminist Themes, Friendship, Gaining Confidence, Gen, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Misogyny, Loss of Control, Low Self Esteem, Marriage, Microaggressions, Miscarriage, Misogyny, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Mother-Son Relationship, Parent-Child Relationship, Post-Canon Fix-It, Protective Siblings, Racism, Racist Language, Reproductive Abuse, Roman Catholicism, Sad Ending, Sexism, Sexist Language, Sexual Coercion, Slurs, Speculation, Spoilers, Strong Female Characters, Suicide Attempt, Trigger Warnings, Trigger Warnings May Apply, Unequal relationships, White Privilege, complicated female characters, low self worth, politically incorrect, real person fiction - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:34:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24551686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toongrrl1990/pseuds/Toongrrl1990
Summary: Because I was dissatisfied with Pamela's resolution, I decided to dip into her mind a little during the events of "Houston" and "Reagan" and come up with three different endings I thought were possible.*SPOILERS AHEAD**TRIGGER WARNING FOR ABUSE VICTIMS AND THOSE WITH CONFIDENCE ISSUES AND VICTIMS OF BIGOTRY IN ANY FORM AND FOR SLURS*
Series: Going Deep [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1114011
Comments: 3
Kudos: 6





	1. Houston

Pamela sat forlornly on the floor, white silk slip showing out of her dark patterned skirt: she couldn’t find Alice after the older woman had blew that interview on TV; she would have just lied and said that the polls were false; lying was no problem for her and Alice knew that too well. But there was something about Alice: she didn’t talk as much as Phyllis but she seemed a lot wiser, she didn’t read but she seemed more insightful, she wasn’t passive-aggressive as Rosemary but she seemed to stand on her own and didn’t have to lie to Buck.

Pamela didn’t know when things with Kevin went wrong: they were dating since high school ever since he (a junior) asked her (a lowly freshman) to dance during a school function, she was amazed that someone as handsome as him would ask lowly her as there was the very popular and gorgeous Sophomore Karen Merkel who went past her own dance card and was sitting right there (she remembered seeing Karen working as a flight attendant after leaving the Republican Convention in D.C. and Karen didn’t seem impressed about Pamela snagging one of the top guys in their school), they dated and dated and he came from a good family and her father and brothers liked fishing with him (Pamela’s mother didn’t seem to like Kevin and let him know right away, even telling the whole family that Kevin wasn’t good enough, sadly Pamela didn’t have the most positive relationship with her mother). So when Kevin asked her to marry him at a post-graduation party, she just accepted, what was she to do? “If you don’t say yes, what are you going to do with the rest of your life?” he commanded, to which she said “Yes”. She wanted to be a housewife with a beautiful house and children, it looked so easy and serene and Pamela was so sheltered, she didn’t think herself capable and she figured a girl that looked like her wasn’t going to do better than this handsome guy from a good family who was going to have a well-paying job waiting for him after he got that degree.

He seemed so protective, not wanting other guys to talk to her or look at her, she considered herself lucky and people at church thought he was devoted to her only it seemed to be Alice who wrinkled her nose especially after Alice’s son Tommy talked to Pamela with Kevin telling him curtly to back off (that was nothing, Tommy decided to go steady with Helen then). As quick as she said “I Do”, Pamela had gotten pregnant with Kimmy and she gotten huge and felt so thankful that Alice and Phyllis took pity on her and hung out with her. She envied how Phyllis was so sophisticated, stayed Cheryl Tiegs-slim despite being over 40 and having had six children, educated, an ideal homemaker with her own type of career (she remembered Bella Abzug telling them that Phyllis basically made them “working girls” it didn’t go as bad as she thought, like the older and heftier woman seemed to think she was doing them a favor). Pamela was just a gawky girl with pale skin, freckles, red hair that wasn’t elaborately styled, and had to be careful around the beam or she would not maintain her size 4. She felt she could learn a lot from Phyllis who seemed to have everything orderly and perfect. Kevin never seemed happy with whatever Pamela was doing at home, it was either not good enough and he said she was exciting as “watching paint dry” and he can get someone like Gloria Steinem to fuck as “she seems to sleep with whatever, even black men” which horrified Pamela.

Right now Pamela was wondering if she could be a tiny bit racist: she and the STOP ERA ladies called themselves the “bread makers” but it was Phyllis’s housekeeper Willie who baked all those breads for them and she seemed to hang on Eleanor’s word when she wrung her hands over women like Flo Kennedy and Shirley Chisholm (Ms. Chisholm seemed more ladylike than say Abzug but Flo seemed very concerned about everybody, even criminals, getting humane treatment) and now she waited outside her hotel room door because the Black Libber (Audrey?) with the cute daughter (around Kimmy’s age) was having a loud discussion with other Libbers inside and they sounded loud and strange. Different accents and different words that weren’t in English….Pamela wished Pamela was with her right now. Kevin didn’t seem to like her to go many places “Isn’t it enough that I let you go out with Phyllis and her cause? I want a hot dinner!” and sneaking to go to Houston was the most daring thing she has ever done.

After coming home from D.C. Kevin got on her case and forbade her to leave out of town again, she remembered not going to St. Louis or Texas with the other ladies, and it took some guts to go to Normal with Rosemary and Alice. She cried to her parents, with her father telling her that Kevin is under a lot of stress and pressure at work, just give him time to which her mother loudly scoffed with her father giving her a look and she giving him a sweet smirk. Then she remembered giving birth to Eric, who inherited his older sister’s cheerful disposition…is this her life? Just being a glorified baby machine, emotional punching bag, a beggar, and a prositut…she can’t give Gloria Steinem the benefit of being right.

Where was Alice? The other ladies were okay but they seemed to treat her as a child and despite Alice being grouchy, she felt safe with her, it felt nice to sleep in a bed that even though she was sharing a room with two other women and a little girl, it felt nice not to get up for feedings or have Kevin invade her space or pressure her for sex. The previous night was the best sleep she had ever had in years, the last time she slept like that was on the night before her wedding.

She shut down the guilt she felt about leaving her children with her mother and not wanting them around, she needed to think, it felt good not to have her mind occupied by the demands of Kevin, the kids, her in-laws, her parents, Phyllis…now she knew that some of the libbers brought their daughters, like seeing this one woman with short, wavy strawberry blonde hair was lovingly carrying a little blonde girl wearing bunny ears or this blonde, sophisticated Carol Brady type with a polite teenage girl and a smaller perky girl or a large bespectacled black woman who didn’t look any older than Pamela had an enthusiastic preteen daughter and the libber Audrey that they were sharing with had a sweet daughter, it felt confusing, weren’t most of these libbers heartless, cold, baby-killing harpies? But she saw there was real love and happiness in those mother-daughter gazes, her Mom was never that warm, even being accused of being a “cold fish” by others but when Pamela told her about her plan and Kevin not knowing, her mother didn’t say anything and agreed to take the kids in.

Pamela needed to count herself lucky, he didn’t beat her, well he would forcibly yank her around a few times and during arguments he would hit the wall or something. He was even calling to Phyllis’s office asking where she is and once he threw a tantrum in front of Alice and her daughters, Beth and Grace, Beth called him in the company of just the women, “a dictator” to which Alice scolded her but Alice just as quickly asked if Pamela was okay. He decided she was going to have sex whenever he wanted and it was hell as he wondered out loud how her breasts were so freckled and it was “weird”, he wanted to have lots of sons and she was going to give them to him and she tried to make sure that the kids don’t see how bad things are, but it was hard for Kimmy to sit next to her Daddy and she acted more dutiful than loving with Kevin. She felt so scared walking to the door, surrounded by these women proudly proclaiming having abortions on their shirts or taking “self-defense” classes (“Why would they need that?” she thought “Why not marry a man for protection?”) and all these open lesbians, either to her relief or discomfort, none of them flirted with her…maybe she wasn’t exciting or beautiful, maybe Kevin was right.

Suddenly she heard some feet padding, gosh with two little ones Pamela was an expert at hearing bare feet on the floor, she turned and saw Alice holding her black pumps and pantyhose-covered feet on the floor and looking tired and awkwardly walking and quietly demanding of Pamela: “What are you doing on the floor?” and Pamela replied that Alice had the key and Pamela, with barely concealed irritation in her voice asked, “Well did you try knocking on our door to see if they’re in?” Pamela got up, “I heard a lot of voices in there, and it sounded like they were arguing. Where have you been?” Alice snaps, “Where have _I_ been?” with Pamela telling her “I…couldn’t find the hotel. I got turned around after the convention.” Alice loses it, looking slightly like Phyllis, “Why didn’t you wait by the fountain like I said?” Pamela patiently replied, “Why didn’t you come inside to the convention like you said? Because you messed up?” with the younger woman realizing this was probably the wrong thing to say to Alice, Alice shrugged, revealing raccoon eyes: “She twisted by words.” “I was worried about you,” said Pamela coming in to hug Alice and backs up when Alice angrily snapped, “Well, don’t worry about me. I’m fine. You should worry about what you’re going to say to Kevin when you get back,” and Pamela, trying to gather her strength and clearly in disbelief she said this, shot back “Maybe I won’t go back.” Maybe she’d start over, get a nasty apartment, get a job as a waitress, she is a good server and cook, maybe a chef, it won’t be perfect but she’d be so free. Alice laughed, “What are you talking about?” Pamela explained, “I’ll just get pregnant again,” and losing her nerve she started crying “I can’t have another child. I can barely…” Alice crudely snapped, “Clearly! You can’t be alone for a few hours in a hotel!” throwing her hands up, “You…you can’t even walk through a door by yourself! You need Kevin!” Pamela was shocked, why was Alice so cruel? Didn’t she get lost too? Didn’t she need her husband’s help with the hotel room as she was just as sheltered as Pamela despite being a grandmother? “You promised not to leave me,” countered Pamela fighting back tears. “Oh, don’t start crying. Please, just stop it. I’ve had a long night” as the younger woman tried to suppress her sobs and wipe her tears.

And then something made Pamela calm down and turn, the calm footsteps of clogs on the floor, turning around the corner was a gorgeous woman in her late thirties at the most, in blue cotton pants that flowed freely with every step, her slender figure lovingly sheathed by a deep red button down shirt with pro-ERA pins at the collar, shoulder length brown hair with golden highlights bouncing and flipping to the beat, her au natural face glowing and framed by gold rimmed glasses and a brown belt cinching the waist to emphasize her figure. Pamela and Alice stared in amazement at the woman they were supposed to insult: Gloria Steinem. She walked so comfortable and sure of herself and her place in the world, not needing any man to take care of her needs, secure in herself and her body, in charge of her destiny…just like Karen Merkel always did.

Gliding past them, ignoring them slightly (Pamela can’t blame her, she suppose she’d do the same if she was as famous), Gloria gently knocked on the door to which their afro-adorned roommate opened the door and smiled at all three of the women, “I’m back,” said Gloria who leaned in to give a hug to a welcoming Audrey who was clad in a long and beautiful dress with different shades of orange and hoop earrings. These women were so naturally warm with one another, Gloria walked in as Audrey stepped aside and waved her hand to welcome them in, “Come in, come in,” to Alice and Pamela “Sorry about the crowd, we’re still working.” Audrey bent over some paperwork on the bed shared by the two STOP ERA women as Gloria asked, “How’s it going in here?” with a familiar-ish drawl and Pamela wondering, is she one of us? A Midwesterner?

Spying the other women, which included an elegant Spanish woman with dark skin and a Asian girl in a patterned dress and gently flipped hair, these libbers seemed to be confident and feminine without ruffles, a lot of jewelry, tons of makeup, or even a skirt! The ones in the restroom were clearly at home in their own bodies, not minding changing in front of other people or if they looked like magazine cover models or not, some weren’t slim and other were brown, she wondered if she could have that comfort in her own person. “She smells so good,” Pamela whispered to Alice, who was amazed at the grace that the famous feminist exuded, Pamela was always aware of how beautiful and winsome looking Steinem was but somehow was picturing a demanding, grim-faced spinster who smelled of mothballs not this dignified woman who smelled like vanilla bean ice cream and was aware of the admiration she attracted without being show-offy or acting like her ladies were her assistants. Pamela walked inside to the bathroom to freshen up and get ready for bed, not waiting for Alice.

As Pamela came out of the bathroom, she saw no one noticed her hair didn’t have curlers, that her legs revealed the freckles cleverly hidden by her slacks or pantyhose, or that she looked gawky in her floral nightgown, most of the libbers just wished her sweet dreams and she lulled into a sleep, hearing them talk about issues she wasn’t aware about, amazed that people like them had their own issues and that not all libbers wanted to abort babies but some of them cared about women not being sterilized against their will. She noticed Audrey’s little girl sleeping soundly, like the discussion amongst the grown women were as familiar and gentle as the waves of the ocean. The next morning, Pamela curled her hair, happy to have the time to herself, her locks looked wavy and winged and shiny like Karen or Gloria or Alice (who Pamela decided to let her sleep) and looking at her smart looking blue suit (maybe that Abzug woman was right about her being a working girl) she decided to put a colorful scarf under her blouse Phyllis-style having decided against wearing it on the outside of her collar and walked off for breakfast and to the Eagle Forum tables. Honestly she felt unnerved with Alice, the woman was so angry with her for things not going conveniently: going on the road rather than the speedier airplane ride, having to change in a public restroom with all the pushy but caring libbers, being angry with her for going behind Kevin’s back, did she not understand how hard things are for Pamela? She had left the TV on for Alice, hoping it will wake her up.

As Pamela painted her sign in red and white paint, Rosemary gushed about Pamela’s admittedly unoriginal but pretty sign. “Such a positive message,” the older bespectacled woman chirped “and I love the colors” Pamela wondered how she was going to tell Phyllis that she and Alice didn’t insult Gloria Steinem like she wanted them to, Pamela figured she would be taking out her feelings of insecurity out on a woman she never met, and she also looked at Rosemary in her floral print blouse, knitted vest, and mustard toned suede skirt that all obscured her figure under layers with her old-fashioned black rimmed glasses and short mumsy auburn hair, maybe Rosemary can take a few tips from Gloria Steinem’s simple but sexy presentation? The older woman pointing her finger on the words, she crowed “Pro, pro, pro!” Jacquie with her frosted stacked perm added, “Professional. You’re a little Picasso.” No trace of irony, as they were proud homemakers talking about being professional and earning money as delegates and all Pamela did was choose the colors for her sign. Was she going to be like these women: Vacuous, intensely smiling but not through the eyes, and dowdy or overdressed? And where was Alice? Another woman affirmed and Pamela politely replied, “Thank you.”

Alice came rushing in with her shining her flying and her plaid blue dress breezing as she ran in while Rosemary talked about their big day on the floor and all the other women smirked or gave stony looks as Alice came in, Rosemary chirped “Glad you could join us, we were starting to get worried that you’d been kidnapped by the militant lesbians,” the other women snickered as Pamela sat quietly and thought back all the things she’d wish to say to Rosemary, Pamela was young and naïve and helpless but Rosemary acted like she was 14 years old. Alice hissed to Pamela, “Why didn’t you wake me?” and Pamela noticing Alice’s buttons were missing said “Your buttons are off” which forced the older woman to look at her lack of buttons and just her delicate cross hanging. “So as soon as the vote is over,” Rosemary intoned “we have to hustle on over to the Astro Arena to meet Phyllis and Lottie at our rally. There are 200 of us, and everybody counts.” Mary Frances commented, “I heard she couldn’t get enough buses and no one wanted to drive through the night,” she wasn’t a favorite of Alice’s, Pamela knew, given that the woman was mean-spirited and a racist. “We just have to pray that there will be at least a thousand of us,” Rosemary assured the group, “that’ll be a respectable showing.” Pamela heard Ann drone: “Uh, I would just like to thank Rosemary for shepherding us through the fire with grace” and politely started a clap which made Pamela smile a little. As snobby as Rosemary is, she was a good leader, almost as good as Phyllis. Rosemary gave a false humble curtsy, “Ann, oh, thank you”, putting her hand to her heart. Alice interrupted, “Excuse me, I…I wanted to ask why we’re opposing all of the feminist resolutions” to which Rosemary gave an annoyed look and heavy sigh but Alice continued on: “We’re not anti-employment or education or minority women,” motioning towards Pamela who had to agree. “I’m not saying that we shouldn’t fight for what we believe in but shouldn’t we try to find a consensus about something?” Jacquie on the other hand didn’t agree, “But you give the libbers an inch, they’ll take a mile,” she replied with concern. Alice kindly with conviction, replied: “Let them. There’s a lot of land,” which made Pamela give a double-take, what was she talking about? Then she remembered that Alice had sang “This Land is Your Land” with her children when they were growing up, with young Gracie saying that she liked the song more than “The Star-Spangled Banner”. Alice continued on, ignoring the puzzled look from Jacquie, the snooty looks from Rosemary and the others, and the dirty stare from Mary Frances, “If we want to be taken seriously, we…we have to show that we are not hard-hearted, that we are not stubborn just for the sake of it.” Alice put her hand to her heart, “It’s not Christian. I came here to defend myself, but I have to ask, who exactly is attacking us?”

Pamela had to admit to herself that Alice had a point, no one attacked her, aside from one libber who was going to challenge her seeing her buttons but another pulled her away and said “C’mon Susan, let’s stuff that big mouth of yours with some food” giving a sheepish look to Pamela. Rosemary didn’t agree: “Should we head over?” asking Mary Frances and Jacquie while ignoring what Alice said. All the other women gathered their signs with Rosemary taking a pink flyer that looked similar to the Women Who Want to be Women group’s flyers to show Mary Frances, “NOW has been posting all this propaganda all over our posters. Can you believe? It’s so petty. I’m gonna have to take one and give it to Phyllis. She’s gonna be furious.” Pamela got up to follow her with Alice sitting down, looking distraught at the response from the group and saw the older woman reading one sign and it repeated what Bella said about Phyllis: that she was a feminist who makes decisions in her life.

The crowd chanted “Choice! Choice! Choice!” while Gloria with a few other women (the Carol Brady look-alike Jill Ruckelshaus and a black woman in a cowgirl hat) stood looking irritated and making non-verbal agreements with each other and to Bella Abzug and Rosemary was speaking “This is what the abortionist…” holding a rose while Bella Abzug begrudgingly called order to the floor for Eagle Forum to speak. Rosemary proudly started her voice, “This is what the abortionists do, they take the lovely baby from its natural habitat,” and Rosemary ripped the petals furiously off with her voice quavering “and they rip it out and they throw it away.” Pamela didn’t know what to think, so much has been testing her, crowed booed Rosemary and Pamela had to agree: Rosemary was quite awful and it was the first time she saw anyone tell her off to her face.

No dice, the reproductive resolution is being approved and added and now for the lesbians with a frank and clear-speaking woman with short wavy hair and a navy blue blouse spoke: “…on the basis of sexual and affectional preference.” Everyone turned to a loud and raspy older woman’s voice, that woman Betty Friedan with her gray hair all out and in a printed caftan, “I am known to be violently opposed to the lesbian issue as someone who perhaps loves men too much. But, I do believe we must help the women who are lesbians to be protected in their own civil rights,” so shocking thought Pamela, weren’t they all sinners and perverts out to get children? She hated the thought of people being harmed but….and Betty Friedan raised her fist up to the cheers of the audience, as Rosemary pursed her lips and the woman at the podium checked her emotions and said “Would all those in favor of the sexual preference resolution please rise?” With the libbers standing up cheering while the Eagle Forum turned their backs, it was the right thing to do, so why did Pamela feel a little sick to her stomach and felt Alice look back at the cheering over her own shoulder?

Then later Coretta Scott King, a woman that Pamela saw on TV growing up and felt bad for as she comforted her young daughter at her husband’s funeral with Pamela’s father saying, “Well it’s sad but he was a radical. A shame though, if he kept his head down, he’d be here” to which she remembered her mother giving him a dirty look and got up furiously in a huff. The elegant middle-aged woman with the gleaming brown skin and her hair shining in waves, with the beautiful gaze and smile, addressed the floor: “Let this message go forth from Houston and spread all over the land. There is a new understanding, a new sisterhood against all the injustices born right here.” Pamela noticed that while most of Eagle Forum sat stony faced, Alice was listening intently and a lot of libbers were smiling and gazing in awe at the graceful widow of a public figure, “We will not be divided and defeated again. All those in favor of this resolution, stand.” All the libbers stood up cheering and to everyone’s’ surprise, so did Alice, and to her own, Pamela looking at Alice before clapping. Alice took her aside and whispered, “I’m sorry. I will help you, whatever you need,” and gave her a hug. With a huff, Rosemary told them “This is depressing. I’m going to pack.” Did Rosemary care anything for Black people or did she look down her nose at them like she has been with Alice? “I’ll meet you at the taxi stand?” she commanded of Alice and Pamela, Pamela followed and the crowd started linking arms together singing “We Shall Overcome” while the Eagle Forum delegates sat in silence with displeased faces.

Pamela seen that it was nothing to these libbers whether a brown woman and a white woman held hands or hugged each other, it seemed to be as normal as sunshine for them, she cannot imagine being this intimate with Willie at Phyllis (so kind and patient when Pamela brought her little ones over) or with her parents’ maid Hattie, who her parents would pay double to help Pamela at the house once a week and is even coming when both Pamela and Kevin are out of town, the only who seemed to be friendly with Hattie on a casual basis was her sister-in-law Lorraine Whalen Santiago, the unofficial black sheep of the Whalen family. Lorraine’s life was messy: she wore love beads, house was disorganized, her hair was very long and she didn’t set it, she slept around with guys since college, she did a lot of sit ins (like one she did with cripples a few years back), demonstrated in Chicago in ’68, didn’t attend church for a while and seemed to smile whenever someone asked her where she did secretarial work, followed Sister Lucy Freibert, and married a Spanish man named Gadiel Santiago who looked a little black and wore his hair a bit long and cooked most of the meals (Lorraine said she hated cooking and his food was more delicious) and said he was a “Boricua”, and she wanted to go work as a professor when her youngest Sonia Annette was a little older. But Lorraine was kind and friendly, asking Pamela how she was doing and about her activities, encouraging her to speak up at family get-togethers and telling Kevin to be nicer. She also seemed to like being around Pamela’s kids more than Pamela, not having a problem with impromptu sleepovers at her picture-imperfect house when they begged to sleep over with Lorraine’s two kids: Five year old Holly Luz and three year old Carlos Newman….Lorraine would love to hear about this convention and meeting Gloria.

Uncomfortably sandwiched between Alice and Rosemary, Pamela sat in silence, as they rode a taxi on the way to the Pro-Family Rally. Rosemary spoke up first after Pamela looked through Rosemary’s window seat: “I think I’m going to write a book: _The Price of Liberty_ ,” which made Pamela chuckle while Alice politely murmured. “You get it? _Lib-erty_ ,” Rosemary repeated waiting for a response from Alice, no dice. Their taxi arrived where they saw a lot of men and women: men in suits and ties, men in hats, women in proper skirts and coats, women wearing scarves to protect their set hairdos, hardly any brown or black faces, men and women carrying signs like “Who needs Jews, Dykes, Abortion, and Communists?” or “Life” or red, white, and blue letters or “ERA 90% Gay!” or Confederate Flags. Looking around for Phyllis, Pamela felt a tad uncomfortable but ready while Alice seemed less enthusiastic and Rosemary was happy as a clam and spotting her, Pamela started running “Phyllis!” A man in dark glasses and a suit tried to stop Pamela and Phyllis in a pale yellow bow blouse and orange suit with Lottie Beth stopped him, “Oh no they’re with us.” Phyllis chuckled at the younger woman hugging her: Pamela was ready to defend the traditions of Christianity and the nuclear family and the flag against…Lottie Beth asked Rosemary how the convention went and Rosemary replied she liked to think they changed a few hearts and minds while Alice went to talk to Phyllis who was proud of the size of their rally: “20,000 people.” Alice affirmed, smiling gently, “You did it.” Phyllis went on to ask Alice if the convention was awful and Alice seemed to want to say “No” but decided not to. The older blonde woman asked if Alice ran into Gloria Steinem and Alice lied that they didn’t, Pamela overhearing decided to take Alice’s lead on this. Phyllis said something to Alice and gave her a peck, leaving Alice looking shocked.

Soon at the convention they were reciting the pledge and while Pamela threw herself into the activities and chants, she noticed Alice looked less than enthused, and whispered to Pamela: “Do you ever wonder why we don’t have any black or brown people here?”

Pamela was home and greeted by Lorraine, who jumped up and down like a little girl on the last day of school. “How was the convention? Did you meet any new people?” she asked, taking Pamela’s heels aside and giving her a glass of ice-cold water and after Pamela took a few sips, she replied “Me and my friend Alice stayed in a room with this lady named Audrey with this big afro and her little girl, they were really nice to us, the little girl was outspoken like she said ‘You have a lot of bags’” and seeing Lorraine’s look, which asked if that was really a crazy question, Pamela decided to mention “Me and Alice did see Gloria Steinem” which elicited a squeal from Lorraine. Pamela continued on and talked about how nice it was to sleep in the hotel with Lorraine being an apt listener. Later after Pamela’s mother came with the kids and started dinner (she ordered fried chicken and brought her mac n cheese while Lorraine mixed a salad), Kevin came back having been driven by a very patient and stoic Gadiel and the perpetually smiling Johnny, “Pamela! Get me a nice cold brew!”


	2. Reagan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The events of "Reagan" from Pamela's point of view and a time skip to 1985.

**1978**

Pamela was proof-reading a press release and was oddly the only one in Phyllis’s office (Rosemary for one thing was on a vacation with her husband in Mackinac Island because “Hawaii has too many foreigners” and she hasn’t seen Alice and it was often after Mass where Alice would spend a lot of time talking to her and arrange lunches), thankfully the kids were over at Lorraine’s where they were going to be playing and helping Gadiel make something called “pastelitos” for a smorgasbord get-together at Lorraine’s and Kevin’s parents’ home.

Kevin was difficult, after one of the ladies let it slip after Christmas Mass last December about Pamela being in Houston, they had a monstrous argument where he did most of the yelling and while she tried her best, he managed to browbeat her, telling her that she was so stupid and how could she defy him? “You’re lucky I even let you go to Mrs. Schlafly’s house! Who do you think you are? A slutty Libber who can do whatever she wants?” She had slept with her Kimmy for the rest of the Christmas season, telling the little girl she just wanted to be with her. After a New Year’s Eve Party, Kevin told her “You’re looking very sexy tonight Pammy, I want to see you in bed.” She sighed, she was going to get pregnant again with another child, and it was a surprise she didn’t get pregnant after Thanksgiving. She did her best: she hardly found him attractive anymore and she was disgusted with him, herself for falling for him, and she was pregnant again.

“You can divorce him or get an annulment,” advised Alice one Sunday “I know your parents will take care of you, I will help you and the kids, if that Abzug…Representative Abzug had anything to say it was you picked up good working skills to get any job.” But what did Alice know? She never had a regular workday in her life before working with Phyllis and even if Buck was helpful, he can only do so much with his parents and a wife and a daughter at college and another at home.”

Phyllis walked into the office wearing a silk print blouse, a long strand of pearls, and a mid-length skirt, and pumps. “Well it looks like NOW is organizing a March for the ERA this July in Washington D.C., now what with the Peanut Farmer establishing a committee for the libbers and his embargoes against the South African government, looks like he is flushing this country down the toilet.” Phyllis looked on to the younger woman, “What has gotten you so adrift dear?”

Pamela had to tell her: “I’m just so miserable; Kevin always has to know where I am going and where I have been, to every specific detail. He’s never happy no matter what I do in the house and he has been sore about my work and he never lets me go out with my old friends from high school, there is going to be this wedding for one of them and he doesn’t want to go, so he won’t let me go. And I always get pregnant and I don’t have a moment’s rest and he always talks about how other women are better housewives or are prettier or more exciting intimately,” she blushed.

Phyllis put her hands to her lap and started saying something, “You know what I think would be best dear? A man needs to feel like the king of his castle. And as long as a man acts like the king of his castle, he will be perfectly content. Those Libbers don’t do that and their husbands act out and leave them, look at that wretched Betty Friedan.” Phyllis chortled, “Let me quote something from our own Marabel Morgan: ‘It is only when a woman surrenders her life to her husband, reveres and worships him, and is willing to serve him, that she becomes really beautiful to him’, do you understand what I mean dear?”

Pamela gaped and then replied, “Is that what you do with Mr. Fred?” Phyllis smiled slyly and nodded: Pamela had to trust her, as Phyllis was married for thirty years and the Schlafly family was a model family in this town and the example of the values that Pamela was taught to uphold since she was a child, Alice was nice but she was so worried about the ERA taking away alimony and their privileges so maybe the Macray marriage wasn’t so perfect and Pamela’s own parents didn’t seem to agree on anything when she was growing up and her mother often was sarcastic with her father. Also the only other women she knew of who seemed to demand more from their husbands were the libbers and so many were single or divorced, would Gloria Steinem know anything?

“Do you have a copy of the book?” asked Pamela. “Yes dear, and I have a couple more texts for you from our supporters: Mrs. Andelin’s _Fascinating Womanhood_ and the Startup’s _The Secret Power of Femininity: The Art of Attracting, Winning, and Keeping the Right Man for You_. They both emphasize making him feel needed.”

**1979**

“…unnecessary time away from home, you have probably driven him to it by your unsympathetic attitude.” Helen Andelin, _Fascinating Womanhood_

After a whole year of dressing up to serve Kevin dinner and breakfast, acting dependent and coy with him, and letting him make the decisions with a smile on her face things were cooling off and home was more tolerable. It was a brisk and tense day at Phyllis’s office when Alice came back after a long absence, it didn’t surprise Pamela as Alice didn’t seem devoted to the cause after Houston and she was absorbed with grandma duty after her daughter-in-law Helen decided she wanted to go back to work and took a job as a receptionist at a dental office. Pamela noticed that Alice took this on with no complaint and no objection to Helen leaving her young children at home to go to work (Tommy seemed content with this plan, which made Kevin sneer at him and Tommy just give him a snide look). 

Pamela decided not to say anything as the ladies checked in their irritation to work on the preparation for the “Death of the ERA” gala in D.C. (and despite the deadline being three years away), she noticed that Phyllis and Rosemary were definitely not happy to see Alice but Pamela was glad, some of the women were shooting daggers at her when the baby cried and Eric would run in making a mess. This confused Pamela, “Weren’t they mothers too? Didn’t they have young children too?” Alice seemed to sympathize because when Pamela asked her how her grandsons were doing, she commented “A handful, well you know, boys” which earned a smile from the usually frosty Lottie Beth.

The tension was thick lately: Phyllis seemed to be in total control of everything and she shot back curt remarks to Rosemary when the younger woman talked about her book, even telling her that Senator Jesse Helms did not write the forward, it was one of his aides, with Lottie Beth commenting (none too happy with Phyllis’s “city ways” and Rosemary’s “airs”) that Rosemary may finally meet the Senator. Pamela listened to Alice read a press release aloud, then the older woman stopped at a sentence which claimed the Pro-Family Rally was twice as big as the one set up by the libbers.

“Are you sure the crowd at our rally was twice as big?” Alice questioned aloud of Phyllis, having a certain something that Pamela didn’t sense before from her. Phyllis, shocked, replied affirmatively with Rosemary backing her up: “I should know. I was at both.” Alice wasn’t satisfied, “It didn’t feel that much bigger.” Lottie Beth, with the same sort of dismissiveness as Rosemary and Phyllis, explained that “Satan’s destructive forces are so strong and well-financed. It’s easy to get confused,” giving Alice a look from the corner of her eye as Baby Holly started crying and Eric started running in, laughing, as he knocked a yellow roll of streamer down from the table. Pamela was fed up, yelled after Eric and the baby started squealing as she picked up the streamer. Presumably none of these women ever had to deal with screaming babies or hyper children and if they did, they found their children a constant joy and their life’s purpose. She felt so lousy she didn’t feel the same thing.

“Oh, no, you forgot to find a seat for Pamela and Kevin,” exclaimed Rosemary. Phyllis answered for Pamela that they couldn’t make it, which surprised Alice: “Oh, you’ve worked so hard for seven years. You deserve to celebrate.” Pamela, embarrassed as Holly kept on crying, explained to Alice that Kevin didn’t want to spend the money on the flight, hotel room, rent a tux and for a gown for her, or the tickets. Alice, not giving up on Pamela attending, said “Well maybe you can figure something out, you should talk to him.” Pamela replied, “Phyllis says that a man needs to feel like the king of his castle. Otherwise, they act out,” as she bounced the baby. As Pamela tended to the baby, Alice shot a look towards Phyllis and directed a question: “You told her that?” Phyllis looked away from her cup of coffee over her spectacles, “Well you don’t marry a man to reform him.”

As if the baby was responding to Phyllis, Pamela kept bouncing her and said to the older woman “I’ve been trying to take the time to let him know how much I need him,” awkwardly smiling as the other ladies show irritation at the baby crying. She remembered reading Andelin’s advice to even botch some chores up so the husband would feel capable, needed, and be amused at their wives mistakes, though Pamela will never do what she did with the lawn mower again after Kevin glowered through dinner. Turning to Alice, who was still worried, she told her “It’s all about a positive mental attitude.” The baby continued squealing and the room continued frowning.

Two days later, Alice invited Pamela for a small lunch of green salads and meatball subs and lemonades where she the older woman admitted to Pamela that things weren’t as simple in Phyllis’s group as they used to be: “It’s not about defending our place in the home and honestly, how are we being threatened? Also all these people we met at the rally just seemed so ugly.” Pamela was shocked and reading the younger woman’s expression Alice explained, “There was all this talk against Jewish people, I heard several racial slurs dropped, there was less focus on love and more about dominating and ‘taking the country back’.” “But we are taking it back from the liberals and libbers aren’t we?” asked Pamela. Alice leveled with her: “This is a large country; there is so much land, so much to share. Why are we so threatened by these women working? You don’t see Willie or Hattie or Leonia or Verna feeling threatened by women like Shirley Chisholm or Diana Ross.”

Then Lorraine came in with Pamela’s casserole dish filled with something, “I hope you like this Pamela, it’s not potato chip casserole but its Gadiel’s mother’s recipe for this Dominican braised chicken dish that you serve with plain white rice. Very good, oh who is your friend?” Lorraine smiled, with her hair done up like Debbie Harry (with platinum blonde stripes in her hair) and the bell bottoms exchanged for skinny jeans and boots and a leather jacket.

Pamela heard different accounts of the gala she didn’t go to from Phyllis, Rosemary, and Alice. She got to hear that Rosemary and another woman dressed as Gloria Steinem and Bella Abzug and when Rosemary gleefully showed the pictures; as she choked back the noxious layers of the older woman’s perfume, Pamela couldn’t help but think that Rosemary should dress as Gloria full-time. For the style of the famous feminist made Rosemary look prettier and younger than anything the bespectacled woman’s preference of relentlessly conservative clothing and a perm that a poodle would be envious of; Rosemary flaunted the copy of her book, which finally showed physical, handwritten proof that Rosemary met Senator Helms. Rosemary even gossiped with her about Eleanor Schlafly not returning to the gala as she left with a handsome, silver-haired stranger, “Isn’t that just shocking? A woman her age should know better.” Pamela felt happy that Eleanor was seeing someone, she deserved a lot for her efforts in helping Phyllis and despite being very prissy and fussy, and she was a loving aunt to her nephews and nieces. “Rosemary,” Pamela spoke up “Did you ever think of exchanging your glasses for something thin and gold and growing hair out?” _The Price of Lib-erty_ hit the floor and was accidentally run over by a suddenly rapid Pamela who couldn’t handle Rosemary’s perfume.

Phyllis talked about how she was approached by Reagan’s people and they were all in attendance at the gala but kept mum when Pamela asked about the rumors surrounding Phillip Crane running for President and about his marriage to Arlene. Phyllis had an elegant hand with her perfume, but it was too much for Pamela, Pamela reached for her bottle of lemon-lime soda. Phyllis smugly looked, “My dear, aren’t we flaunting our slim physique?” Pamela waved, “Oh it’s nothing, I just haven’t been feeling well lately.” “Well after Alice told me off, I think the poor dear had a bit too much to drink that night and she must have been lashing out after an argument with her husband, an alarm went off in the hotel banquet hall for a bomb threat. Must have been some sore libber,” chortled the older woman “Then in the vicinity where I was taken safely, of course the children and my Mother were at the hotel and I don’t know what went around in Eleanor’s mind, I was approached by Ronald Reagan’s people to see if I can support him in his campaign. So we are going to start working for him!” Pamela had to go, “Excuse me Phyllis, I need to use your restroom.”

Alice told her that it was horrible: Phyllis was crowing about how much she hated the libbers and how she had more children than they and about that mean ditty she had Rosemary and a nobody perform to make fun of Gloria Steinem and Bella Abzug, Pamela told her, “I saw the pictures, I thought those costumes were an improvement on their looks,” making the older woman nearly spit out her tea. “And I told Rosemary she should think of getting new glasses and growing out her hair,” making Alice start guffawing in an unladylike manner. Alice settled down, “I kind of blurted out about how Phyllis was treating you that she wouldn’t hear of helping you come to the gala and I have had issues with her for a while, I guess I didn’t realize them until now.” Pamela looked softly at Alice, it seemed very clear that her heart was no longer with the Eagles, “Are you going to be in the Forum?” Alice answered, “No, I won’t anymore, I started working as a 411 operator and I have gotten to know these girls working there,” she stopped “So many different lives, not as fortunate as a lot of us are.” Alice looked up to Pamela, “Do you need something dear? You look a little green.” Pamela started crying, “Alice I think I am pregnant again!” Pamela started sobbing into Alice’s breast as the older woman held her.

**1980**

Ronald Reagan has won the presidency of the United States.

Pamela was hoping that Phyllis will hold a party at her home and invite everyone to celebrate, as Phyllis was working to get him elected and she lent their Eagle Forum subscriber list to the campaign and she seemed so sure that she would get a position within the administration, even as Supreme Court justice. Pamela hoped that Kevin would agree to go to the party, so she’d get to go. She hadn’t even been able to do much work at the Eagle Forum as of late, due to the demands of the kids and making sure Kevin was always pleased.

The night after that, Pamela had the kids (Kimmy, Eric, Holly, and tiny Matthew) over at her parents’ home and she dressed in a delicate Victorian style light turquoise blouse with a high neckline and ruffles, a light pink mini skirt from high school (that her mother didn’t know about), stacked silver platform heels with her legs sheathed in a shiny silk stocking, and her hair permed and stacked to make her look like Raquel Welch. Her makeup covered the freckles and made her lips look luscious with some glittery shadow. She wasn’t going to make a dress out of saran wrap, last time that happened, Kevin laughed and decided to make jokes about her to his two friends and to his brothers and got angry when Johnny hung the phone up on him.

He saw her at the doorway of their dining room where there was a plate of baked stuffed salmon, shake n bake fried chicken, potato salad, and stuffed tomatoes, “I prepared this all with little effort and I even made a buttermilk pie cooling in the kitchen just how you like it and I hope you’re in the mood for something…” Kevin just walked past her, no he shoved her aside, and sat down to his place on the dinner table and opened his mouth: “Pammy, get me a beer and crack the ice.” Pamela, disappointed, walked in the kitchen to get his favorite class and crack the ice for his beer, “Here comes your beer just how you like it my king.” Kevin gave her a weird look, “Who said you is going anywhere?” Pamela was shocked, “What? I just wanted to look nice for you..” while he blew a raspberry, “Oh please you look like you are going to one of your meetings, by the way I don’t want you going to them anymore, I want you home and I don’t want you running up my phone bill for Mrs. Schlafly.” Pamela gathered herself: “Kevin, I appreciate how you feel and I understand you work so hard to provide for this family and I am eternally grateful for that but being in the Eagles is my contribution for our home, where I defend our way of life and my role as a wife, mother, and homemaker. I…” she stopped as soon as she saw Kevin glower at her, “I mean it Pamela, I want you home and I want to be sure I get a nice hot meal every time I come home and I want you taking care of my needs, also the children need to be at home with their mother. My mother didn’t go out, she always was home to make sure my father had a nice meal and she never complained or slipped once, I want you home around so I can show off at work functions.” Pamela just listened, she knew it was a lie, his mother was on the board of the CYO group that organized youth get-togethers, joined in that campaign against _Hair_ with Eleanor, teaches catechism to kindergarteners, and campaigned for Nixon in hopes that he’d keep “undesirables outside of our neighborhoods and schools” and because George Wallace wasn’t going to win.

“I understand, Kevin, after dinner could you walk with me? It is quite dark and I am afraid.”

**1985**

“So in my experience the women who are called ‘bitch’ often were the most compassionate, strong, assertive, loving people I have met. So now our time is up and feel free to congregate with your new friends,” spoke Gloria Steinem. It was the mid-1980s and in a decade where outrageous hairstyles and styles reached the Midwestern Cherryvale Mall, one can see that the distinguished guest managed to keep her golden-highlighted, light brown mane blown out and parted without much teasing or perms, her glasses were sensible, her skin was taut and tanned, if there was any makeup on her beautiful visage it was with a hummingbird-light touch, the clothes were still simple but looked very elegant with one statement piece: her brightly colored medallion belt. 

  
Kroch’s & Brentano’s Booksellers was crowded with several women from different walks of life, different ages, and even different styles. There were the girls in their short Hamill-esque cuts wearing crocodile shirts, the “New Wave” girls with their hair streaked in different colors and elaborate eye-makeup, the girls in their prairie blouses and hair held by barrettes, women in power dress or secretary blouses and dashikis, the girls who looked like some of the singers from that new channel MTV, the women letting their hair go gray in jeans or Mexican or Hungarian blouses, athletic looking women and girls in sweat suits or designer jeans, but there was one familiar face she saw that stood out. 

  
“Hello Ms. Steinem, you may not remember me,” said the attractive, middle-aged woman in a sleek bob that curled delicately under her chin and she was wearing an attractive three-piece pantsuit in a rose color with an old-fashioned sweater pin of a woman walking two poodles connected together holding the lapels and rosette earrings. Even with the updated look, Gloria recognized her right away: “Oh yes! I remember you were sharing a room with Audrey at the convention in Houston years ago and you were wearing a pretty lavender dress. How are you? I’m sorry I didn’t catch your name before.” “It’s Alice Macray and I went from being anti ERA to now being a supervisor to 411 operators in Alton,” explained Alice. “It sounds like you have been very busy since we last saw each other in the convention,” commented the bespectacled woman which caused the grandmother of three to smile and agree. “I wanted to ask, what happened to your friend, the young woman with red hair?”

  
Alice prepared herself, “Well…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah no-fault divorce laws were just being enacted in the 1970s (oddly the first in California under Governor Ronald Reagan) and I imagine in a conservative, close-knit community in the Midwest they'd still be a scandal, hence Alice suggesting an annulment. 
> 
> The events Phyllis is speaking of in the Carter Administration are real: the embargoes against South Africa are a response to apartheid (like racial segregation but even worse), the committee we see Bella Abzug get fired from, and the March for the ERA July 1979. 
> 
> The books that Phyllis references are real and so are their authors, Barbara Ehrenreich wrote a chapter on them in her book "Re-Making Love" about how women like Marabel Morgan (who was even featured on the cover of Time magazine) lean into this sexy submissive housewife mold to overlook the reality of their shitty marriages. I also want to note that the Andelin book urges women to act like little girls (explored at length in the article "Forever Your Girl" in Bitch magazine's Old issue) and that the Startups are the parents of DeAnne Stidham, the founder of the glorified pyramid scheme Lula Roe.
> 
> Yeah I actually thought Rosemary looked prettier in her Gloria Steinem cosplay and her perm made her look like Belweather from "Zootopia". Also I found out that Eleanor Schlafly never married (I like to think she went out with that hunk) but she outlived Phyllis by two years. 
> 
> I had a hard time writing Kevin so I felt making it seem like he treats Pamela like a dog that he teases with a stick cause it felt appropriate. 
> 
> I had fun detailing 1980s styles in the last part and updating Alice's look slightly for the decade (with a piece of jewelry she kept before the show started!) and just noticing how Gloria Steinem adapted to the 1980s without losing her individuality. Like Joan Holloway, she may update some details but she still keeps an essence of her own particular look. 
> 
> Also that saran wrap look was a recommendation from Marabel Morgan's book and was featured in "Fried Green Tomatoes" (I had some fun researching 1970s food).
> 
> Cherryvale Mall was a real mall in Illinois and in the 80s that particular chain of bookstores was there (Wikipedia), located in Rockford where Michelle Williams of Destiny's Child and Bill Kopp (animator on "The Tracey Ullman Show") were born. It's four hours away from the town of Alton where Phyllis and Alice live but I was able to get more info on Cherryvale than Alton's own mall in the 1980s.
> 
> Also that quote about women being called "bitches" was from this Canadian piece about Gloria from the early 1970s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uu8INQWP5yY


	3. Cold, Cold Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pamela becomes cold as a mother and starts to drive her children away.

**1981**

Ambulance sirens sounded throughout the neighborhood, Pamela felt herself being carried out hurriedly by men and women in matching suits while Alice clutched her coat around her and Lorraine carried what looks to be Pamela’s purse. Pamela soon was carried away from the two worried looking women, watching Lorraine crumple into Alice’s arms.

Later the two women comforted Alice as the doctor told her that because of her terrible accident, she ended up miscarrying and they couldn’t save the baby and that to save her, they could not save her fertility. Pamela’s parents came to comfort her, “It’s all right Pammy,” her father said “I will take care of the car and everything; you have landed on your feet before,” hugging her. Pamela’s mother walked off as she saw Kevin come outside and they clearly were having a discussion with Lorraine right there with her arms folded with an unusually cold glare and Douglas balling up his fists beside his hips. Howard and Patrick started talking to her about all the things they are going to do after she recovers, how she will have so much fun when the door opened with Kevin walking in, “Hey, I’m glad you’re fine.” Alice had a look of hope and desperation.

Things didn’t go so well at home, Kevin was angry about the cost of the vehicle damage (despite it being a drunk driver hitting Pamela) and he shamed her about losing the baby, “You killed your baby! You went around the country telling off the baby killers and the libbers but you killed your baby! You can’t do anything right! I have to pay for your damages!” Pamela tried to tell Kevin that her father said he will take care of the issues with the car, which got Kevin even angrier. “I don’t want any handouts from your father!” he had yelled at her “he is just going to see me as a lousy husband to his daughter!” It broke Pamela’s heart when she heard Kevin screaming at her father on the phone. She was glad that Howard took Eric and Matthew to visit him and his wife Sandy to do some backyard camping while the girls were staying over at Lorraine’s before the family took a trip to Cedar Point; it would have been horrid for the children to hear their father raging at their grandfather.

Patrick picked a bad time to drive their mother over to visit Pamela: “Why are you still with this man?” Patrick was shocked, “Settle down Mom, Pamela is still recovering.” Pamela’s mother dismissed him with a hand wave as she cut up a piece of casserole for Pamela to eat, “You don’t have any reason to still stay with him, he is not worth it, you can get a job somewhere and me and Daddy will support you.” Patrick nodded in agreement and gave a sympathetic smile to Pamela, “Mom it is not the time, Pamela needs time to recover.” Pamela gave a grateful smile to Patrick when their Mother went into the restroom, “Thanks Patrick.” Patrick let out a sigh, “But if you need to leave him, I’m willing to take you and the kids. I just think you deserve someone who appreciates you and treats you with respect, someone who’d be looking at you like the sun is shining.” Patrick was unhappy given that Kevin would ogle glamourous women and put down his sister for not looking like them, somehow he felt that Pamela’s eyes had dimmed and her looks gotten dull since she married him.

Once she was helping Eric with his ABC’s and he was struggling to get past “F” and Pamela kept thinking of Kevin’s words from earlier, about how she couldn’t keep her unborn baby safe, about how sloppy Kimmy was, Holly not sitting right or being way too into the things the boys were playing or how she had poor motor control, and how Matthew was going to be the best representative for the family. He was the one that Kevin brought up at work and referred to at work functions where Pamela was expected to present herself very made up and glamorous, one night she was feeling and looking so beautiful that a young handsome man started talking to her and commenting how trim her figure was after several children, that Kevin yanked her away. She heard from the other work wives and the colleagues that Kevin kept asking them what Pamela was doing in the restroom.

“Dammit Eric, can’t you do anything right?” Pamela seethed with Eric crying. “Stop crying, do you want your father to get mad at you?!?” The little boy went and was hugged by his older sister, who gave her mother a look that could wither a harvest. “How could you do that Mom? He’s just a little boy.” Holly soon buried her face in Kimmy’s skirt, flinching when Pamela beckoned her. Pamela glared at Kimmy, “Stay out of this Kimmy.”

Kimmy laid down that night so angry. She felt sick about this to the point her stomach hurt: her parents were angry people, her father getting angry at her mother for the baby not making it and for the broken car or angry at her little brother and sister when they got annoying, she remembered being yelled at when she was a kid herself and she felt she had to be the happiest child in the world and be loving and cuddly. Her mother would then get angry at the kids when they made a mistake or at how they are, even telling people about how her kids aren’t perfect.

She remembered Mrs. Schlafly from Church had a daughter named Liza who gotten married and the whole Whalen family attended the wedding; she overheard her mother telling Mrs. Schlafly that her daughters were always perfect ladies when they were growing up and that she worried about how noisy and rambunctious her own kids were, even saying that she is afraid that Kimmy would turn out unfeminine. Mrs. Schlafly would smile with a chilly look and laugh, lamenting how people called “libbers” have ruined femininity for girls today and that they were so unladylike wearing jeans and listening to singers in skintight clothes and t-shirts, clothes that remind Kimmy of Auntie Lorraine who dressed like Pat Benatar and Stevie Nicks. Did Mommy want a different daughter?

Kimmy was looking forward to seeing Auntie Lorraine and Tio Gadiel tomorrow, maybe her stomach would feel better.

**1985**

“She’s fine, going through a bit of a transition right now” Alice answered “Her daughter came with me and she wanted to spend her gift certificates here.” Alice caught Kim and waved her over.

Gloria turned and saw a petite teenage girl carrying a few shopping bags who looked to be a more chestnut-haired and energetic version of the red-haired woman from those years ago. She was wearing a vintage silk blouse with cartoon girl skiers, a bright pink leather belt that cinched her waist with high waisted teal jeans and she wore bright pink athletic shoes and held her hair in a banana clip. As the girl came up closer, Gloria could see the girl had light touch with makeup, like this actress Deborah Foreman (Gloria enjoyed the night she hit the movies with Brenda and her daughter).“Hey Aunt Alice, you wanted me over?” Alice brought the girl over and made the introductions, “Ms. Steinem, this is my goddaughter Kimberly. Kimberly, this is Gloria Steinem.”

Kimberly took a look at the woman, a woman who was notorious in her mother’s crowd as a “dyke-lover who sleeps around with black men” and chose to not marry or have children, she was around the age of her beloved godmother and she looked beautiful despite a low-maintenance style and glasses that Mrs. Schlafly derided as goofy looking right in front of Mrs. Thomson who only glared and dropped a comment about Secretary of Education William Bennett being proud of her work which made the blonde woman drop her glass.

“Nice to meet you Ms. Steinem,” replied Kimberly. “Me and my friend Tracy enjoy reading _Ms._ Magazines from Tracy’s mother’s subscription, do you think there might be a teenage equivalent for _Ms._? I like Seventeen but the feeling I get from reading that and _Cosmo_ is not the same when I read _Ms._ ”

Later in the car, where the radio was tuned into the a station that was playing a few songs that Kimberly was interested in like one where a girl sang about how she’ll know whether her true love really loves her, Alice admitted she liked the singer, “Who is singing that? She sounds so beautiful.” Kimberly smiled, “that’s Whitney Houston Aunt Alice, she used to be a Seventeen model and her godmother is Aretha Franklin. I think she is going to be a bigger legend than Doris Day.” Alice smirked, “No way! But I do want to hear her music; she sounds so powerful and wholesome.” “I have some cassettes of hers if you’d like to borrow them,” Kimberly pointed out an opening that made Alice feel a bit lost “your new car has a cassette player.” Soon that song stopped and a man sang to a girl to never forget about him, Kimberly leaned back, “Ohh I love this song, thank you for taking me to Cherryvale Aunt Alice, and things have been hard at home.”

Alice was shocked, “What is going on?” “Dad is always getting angry with all of us except baby Matthew, which I am thankful for but I hate that he takes out his anger out on Eric and Holly, like he called Eric a word and screamed at Holly to shut up when she was singing a song she learned at school.” Alice drove and cautiously asked, “What about you? What does your Mom do?” Kimberly sighed, “She gets yelled at by him and when she isn’t walking on eggshells trying to please him and look pretty for him, she lashes out at us and I think she is ashamed of me and I can see her giving me a critical eye towards me when I don’t take dainty serving sizes.”

Alice sighed, as young British men sang about shouting, “Kimberly, if you’d like, I can talk to your mother and I’ll have Uncle Buck or Tommy talk to your father. Thankfully you and your brothers and sisters can stay with me or your grandparents or with your Aunts and Uncles.” She affectionately clutched her shoulder, “I’m glad you are staying over at my house, Grace likes having the kids around especially now she is trying to become a schoolteacher. But we really love your company.”

“Moves” by Joan Armatrading started playing, Alice gasped, “I heard this woman sing before, well just a record, at that one convention me and your mother went to in Houston.” Kimberly smiled, “My Aunt Lorraine has a few records of her, Joan Armatrading is from England, and she’s really incredible.”

**1998**

Matthew was graduating from high school today; he didn’t bother to get a ticket for her or Kevin. Her children are done with them all, now she is stuck with Kevin as he cheats on her and she has had to make private trips because of the many diseases he contracted from his whores. All his siblings were showing up, so all his uncles and aunts, and his cousins. Alice got a ticket and she promised Pamela that she’d tell Pamela about it and show the pictures but she wasn’t going to talk any of them into reuniting with their mother. “What are you going to do with the rest of your life?” Alice looked dead on to her “you can still rise up and take some control of your life.”

She heard that Kimmy just had her first baby: a girl. Kimmy didn’t want any of her parents around the birth or around her child or future children. Oddly she wasn’t marrying the father but she agreed to be “just good friends and cooperative parents”, which got Kevin to shove his fist in the wall creating a hole, making Kimmy cry. “My kids deserve better,” her letter had read “they deserve a loving father who respects his wife and a mother who doesn’t take her pain out on her children. I need to shield my children from the bullies, not invite my first ones into my home.” Pamela looked on to Kevin: no longer handsome because he was bloated and fat from years of drinking and eating snacks, high blood cholesterol, hair gone, his skin is all blotchy, and he wasn’t wearing pants inside his study, BVDs showing a limp package.

Eric was supporting himself through community college and he and Kimmy were granted guardianship of their youngest brother and sister; he had a very good friend who got very close to him (Kevin said, “I can’t believe my oldest son is a fucking faggot”) and Eric didn’t bother to see any of his parents and cut them off when Kevin made a comment that now the widowed-for-a-year Alice is going to “be a massive dyke”. “I’m not going to let you talk that way about my Godmother,” he said walking out of the house. Holly made lunch dates with her parents at a restaurant but just that, feigning that she was working too much. Maybe she was, Holly was working in her Aunt and Uncles’ bed and breakfast as a maid and maintenance assistant. Not what Pamela wanted for her little girl, but Holly was proud and determined to study engineering as soon as she felt she can spend money on the classes.

“Mom I’m really happy,” Holly told her on the phone once “I haven’t slept as well as I did when I was a kid, I don’t understand why you were trying to make me and my siblings something we aren’t” Pamela’s lips were tight that day, “I wanted what was best for my children and what is best is for you all to do things right.” Kevin came home later, fuming about how Pamela’s older brother Douglas told him: “You touch my sister or any of her kids, you better remember I was in ‘Nam and willing to go to jail.”

Pamela remembered the night that Matthew left the house: he made a huge blunder during a football game just about an hour earlier. It was a huge defeat and Kevin was fuming next to her, a silent car ride home later, and Kevin started screaming about how he was “a disgrace to my name! No son of mine is going to fail! Not even your older brother was this much of a wuss! You have single handedly ruined my legacy!” Pamela tried in vain to stop Kevin but he kept screaming after Matthew who decided to take a backpack of his schoolbooks, notebooks, pencils, clothes, _Sports Illustrated_ (a year subscription as a gift from Alice’s son Thomas, his Godfather), and his Walkman with some tapes and walked out the door.

Pamela had worried that night about him, her little baby and her golden boy. She called around the next day. Alice hadn’t saw him, neither have Eleanor, neither has Helen, or his uncles, nor Gadiel or Lorraine, not her mother (who tsked), she called Beth at the office who said no but she’ll check later, she called Grace to see if he came to her apartment and she said “no”, neither have the mothers of his school friends, finally she thought to call the school who reassured her that he’s at school and they asked if he is doing alright which made her stammer and the clerk asked if she was okay. Later, an hour before Kevin came home from work; Pamela received a call from Kimmy. “Mom, I just want to let you know that Matthew is with me and he wants to stay,” her daughter said coldly “I want to sue for custody.”

For several months the court cases dragged on with Pamela and Kevin receiving looks of pity (“Oh poor dears, how ungrateful are their children”) or contempt (“He always had a horrible temper and she isn’t much better”) at Church, Kevin screamed and yelled at home and at court, the psychiatrists appointed by the court said that Matthew has been suffering psychological abuse by his father and that there is a history of emotional abuse by their mother for the older siblings. She and Kevin were declared unfit parents and 14 year old Matthew and the then 16 year old Holly were now in custody of older sister, Kimberly Whalen. What hurt the most was that neither of her brothers nor her sibling in-laws went up to bat for her, rather they testified against her and Kevin, even arguing for themselves to have custody.

Pamela went over to Kevin and noticed he stopped breathing. She was free. He was dead. She fulfilled her part of the wedding vows. A week later when Phyllis Schlafly was asked about a founding Eagle Forum member tossing out her husband’s corpse on the front lawn screaming “He’s your problem now Waste Management!” she just smiled and deflected the conversation to how Hillary Clinton was disgracing the position of First Lady.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from a Hank Williams song which seemed fitting.
> 
> Also that teenage magazine that Kimberly talks of with Gloria? There was once one called Sassy which was published in the same offices near Ms. Magazine.
> 
> Joan Armatrading played in the Lesbian Lounge at the convention in "Houston" and also I liked Alice being introduced to Tears for Fears, Whitney Houston, and Simple Minds. 
> 
> I had a hard time writing a cold Pamela, like a sloppier Phyllis and I found it easier to write of Alice and Kimberly.


	4. By Her Own Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDE*
> 
> We spend time with Pamela's family

**1982**

It was a very hot day and Pamela was spending time thinking: Kevin went off for a business trip, which was good, in two days she will drop the kids off to visit their Aunt and Uncle and their cousins, very good. Matthew will stay with his Uncle Johnny and his wife, Caroline. The phone rang, “Whalen Residence, this is Mrs. Kevin Whalen, whom may I direct your call?”

“Pamela, dear, have you heard the news?” bragged Phyllis Schlafly. “No, I haven’t” replied Pamela. “We won! The ERA has failed ratification! We did it! Now I can focus on communism!” Pamela sat quietly, “That’s lovely Phyllis, would you like to meet for lunch tomorrow?”

The day after Pamela had lunch with Phyllis (where she presented her some handkerchiefs she trimmed and did needlepoint on), she set about her plan where she bathed herself, got her hair done in a curled and winged style framing her face, put on her lip gloss and picked out a white cotton sundress with colorful appliques and a matching bolero with her favorite bright turquoise pumps and pink coral necklace and earrings on the bed. Instead she put on her wedding dress: a high-necked wedding dress with tiered lace, an empire waist emphasized by a silk bow below the bustline, the short sleeves were wide and cuffed. She went down the stairs barefoot, with a note that she would leave on Kevin’s designated chair in the front parlor, and strode into the kitchen like a ghost.

As she walked up to the front door in that Illinois heat, Hattie was figuring that she will plan that trip to Cedar Point sometime in August for her nieces, they are such good girls and good students and she had more than enough money for a whole week. She rang the doorbell, 15 minutes passed and no answer, “What is going on with that girl?” she thought, Pamela was usually so prompt and kept her appointments, so that Mr. Kevin wouldn’t be the wiser. Hattie had been working for the Keery family since Pamela was 9 years old and she knew often that the girl, while she was a sweet and dutiful daughter often was impulsive, a trait that was a burr in the coat lining of Mrs. Keery, still is. When Pamela started dating this self-important boy from the Whalen family, Hattie figured after glimpsing him a few times that he was not someone Hattie would want to her sons to grow up to be or her nieces to see such a boy. Mrs. Keery would confide in her: “Hattie, that boy thinks that he invented sliced bread and I don’t like how he insists on knowing where she was going and what she will do, if he could put her on a tether he would but does she listen?” Both women were proven right when that Whalen boy was controlling Pamela and making sure no boy spent time with her more than 15 minutes, Hattie was sure that if he could, he would seal her up away from her family or he’d get jealous of the kids.

“Pamela!” she knocked “Open the door!” It had been 30 minutes, Hattie huffed on her way to her car, she will get a payphone somewhere; she drove on and saw that Alice was watering her garden and Hattie rolled down her window, “Good Afternoon Mrs. Macray, you’re looking lovelier than usual.” Alice smiled under her sun hat, she looked very cool in an old cotton shirt and a new pair of shorts and sandals, “Why thank you Hattie, how are you doing?” Hattie answered, “I’m well but for some reason Mrs. Whalen isn’t answering her door and I don’t have a key, may I trouble you for use of your phone?” Alice felt a wave of concern come over her but she answered, “Sure, come on inside and I can fix a glass of lemonade for you.”

The phone rang at the Keery household and Colleen Keery answered the phone, “Keery residence, Colleen speaking.” Charles Keery looked over his newspaper at Colleen on the phone, watching her face wrinkle with concern as she listened and he braced himself, “Well yes Hattie I will send Charles right over there in about 15 minutes. Good bye.” She put down the phone, “What did Hattie want, dear?” he asked. “For some reason, Pamela is not answering the door for Hattie to come clean the house,” replied Colleen “You need to meet her in 15 minutes, she called from Alice Macray’s house.” Charles grabbed the keys, “I shouldn’t take long, well maybe I will, time to see my dear girl.”

“Thank you Mr. Keery, she usually is so prompt and ready,” Hattie told Charles. Charles smiled as he unlocked the door, “Hopefully it’s just one of those rare days for her.” The house was oddly quiet and spic and span, in fact too clean and too quiet, they both walked in and called out, “Pamela?” or “Mrs. Whalen?” Hattie looked around the parlor and dining room while Charles looked upstairs; she then walked into the kitchen and caught a peep of Pamela’s bare feet and her wedding gown. While Charles looked upstairs where he caught sight of his daughter’s and her husband’s bed where she laid out a dress of hers, he heard Hattie scream bloody murder, “Mr. Whalen! Call the ambulance!” His heart shook as she heard Hattie choke heavy sobs.

Gadiel was reheating some frozen Sancocho (his Dominican Godmother’s recipe that he loved growing up in Harlem) over the stove when Lorraine was checking the children’s’ luggage for Oceans of Fun when she noticed that Little Holly was missing her swimsuit and thinking it over, she just cannot have her borrow an old suit of Holly Luz (she chuckled inwardly about the cousins sharing a first name) due to the older girl being a bit more muscular and taller at 3 than Little Holly’s dainty frame. Lorraine walked right over to Gadiel, “Babe, I’m going to drive over to my brother’s house because one of our nieces forgot her swimsuit, I should be back, oh God that smells good” which made Gadiel smile, “Babe, don’t get distracted, it’s going to take a while for this stew to cook and for it the spices to make it much more delicious, the kids are still staying busy” chuckling over at the kids playing “Pirate” outside with their dolls and fake patches and wagon. Lorraine giggled, grabbing the keys, and walking out the door.

Gadiel smiled, “Ay Dios Mío, I love that woman, she is a lot but life is never boring.”

_It took a lot of guts for him to move out to Alton, Chicago was easy due there being a very present and sizable Puerto Rican community which made him feel at home, but city life was expensive and Lorraine wanted to be somewhere familiar so they moved out here where she worked hard for him to be accepted, his in-laws were still tentative (he overheard his father in law talking about him being possibly involved in the Division Street Riots) but Lorraine’s sister-in-law Pamela was very welcoming and kind to him, he loved talking with Hattie and Pamela’s brothers and parents and he was impressed by Alice Macray who was impressed by his skill in the kitchen and she gave him her recipes for pecan stuffing (her grandmother’s recipe) and banana bread and she was overall very thoughtful and engaged with him on discussions over politics, even sharing her experiences at the Women’s Convention in Houston. He once showed Alice how he makes pastelitos during an Easter gathering and she turned down his request to write the recipe down, but for a Summer Cookout, she brought her own and she remembered everything! It made the transition into this town a little easier while his in-laws got used to him more (eventually Johnny was more friendly with him but Kevin was another story). He was aware that Pamela and Alice weren’t used to talking to dark men who weren’t working for them but he understood the effort they made in befriending him and Lorraine really liked them._

Lorraine drove into Pamela’s far more upscale neighborhood when she saw there was a huge crowd of neighbors in front of the Whalen household with an ambulance in the driveway and a clearly bereft Hattie and Mr. Keery at the door with paramedics wheeling out a stretcher with a sheet covering a figure except for long, red hair. Lorraine parked her car and ran into Alice Macray, who was dressed far more casually than the proper suburban matron ever did when coming over to a friend’s house, “Alice! Do you know what is going on?”

Alice shrugged worriedly, “I don’t know, Buck just drove us here”, Lorraine nodded at the middle-aged man with the receding hairline who looked a bit enthusiastic about the younger woman’s curvy shape being sheathed in her old Lady Wrangler shorts and a t shirt advertising Queen’s 1980 tour. Alice caught sight of Pamela’s father heading towards his car, “Mr. Keery!” waving him over. He looked up and waved back, “I need to talk to Lorraine!” Lorraine exchanged frightened looks with Buck and Alice and headed across the street, “Is Pamela okay?” she asked breathlessly, she felt like she had a brick in her stomach.

“Pamela killed herself,” he replied, choking back tears “Please give my grandchildren a few days of fun before we break the news to them.” Lorraine just dropped her keys in shock, which surprised the Macray’s where Alice tried to choke back tears as Buck looked helpless and shocked at what was implied.

At the funeral home, Colleen looked over at the lifeless body of her daughter, who just took her life after her 31st birthday. She took charge of preparing her daughter’s body for viewing: bringing over the shoes and dress for Pamela, her underthings, the candy pink nail polish she would have loved, the lip gloss that Pamela loved to wear but Kevin found too “slutty”, her hair blown out and teased in such a way that framed her face. Colleen thought, “It’s all my fault.” She wasn’t a particularly soft mother, a bit pragmatic and blunt for a dainty daughter and she had discouraged Pamela’s ambitions to become an artist, urging her to take a more practical path, and they had fights over that and the boys she dated (that goof-off Nathan Beagle was looking pretty good all things considered) and even over Pamela working for Phyllis Schlafly, “I don’t understand how you can go around with that group and go away from your house to fight the Equal Rights Amendment and make housewives a lofty role again.” Colleen wondered if she had challenged her husband more or encouraged Pamela to follow her dreams, no matter how unstable or frivolous, that she’d not marry a man like Kevin and end up leaving her four children motherless. Colleen never told anyone, especially Pamela this, but she figured she once talked to Betty Friedan when she was a child:

_Young Colleen was glad to leave her Grandmother’s house, it was too stuffy and smelled of lye soap and molasses, she always found something to disapprove of Colleen for while praising Colleen’s ladylike older sister who was three years her senior for always being poised and delicate while Colleen ate heartily and was always direct with that she said and thought, Colleen’s two younger brothers got to run around outside and yell like “Wild Indians”. Mother and Father told her that since Grandmother came into quite a lot of money since her last husband died, that she should be agreeable and please her grandmother. She was having none of that, so she went to soda fountain to get a lime rickey, no make that a Black & White and a BLT, it wasn’t Friday yet. She walked on in and climbed up on a seat next to a husky girl with mussed dark hair and a big nose, the girl turned to Colleen, “Hey Agnes, after what happened in the schoolyard on the last day of school, take a long walk off the short pier.” Colleen was shocked, “I’m not Agnes, I’m Colleen”. The girl looked apologized quickly, “Oh sorry, you sort of looked like her”. “I’m Colleen O’Hara, I’m visiting my Grandmother on the other side of town” to which the girl smiled, “I’m Betty Goldstein, do you want to split a Black and White? For once they have something other than lime rickeys.” “I’m getting a BLT anyway, and I didn’t want to be at my Grandmother’s, she fusses at me too much, like I’m not good enough.” Betty laughed, “My mother is that way, she drives me crazy, she’s going to get a job now so hopefully she’ll be out of my hair.” Colleen was surprised, “Your mother is going to work?” The only mothers she knew that worked either did it for pin money, because their husbands couldn’t work, or were maids. “Yeah, she is going to work.” Colleen sighed, “Better than my Ma, she stays home talking about how much she wants a bigger house and fancier things and that when my Granny dies, we will be away from this house and then she tells me to kiss my Granny’s fanny,” This made Betty laugh, bringing looks from around the soda fountain and at the other end was a very self-important lady in an expensive hat and jewelry. Betty whispered, “That sourpuss acts like she doesn’t like me but she likes to buy stuff from my father’s jewelry shop.” Colleen snickered, “She looks like someone who’d go to my Granny’s book club, they read this awful book called ‘Pamela’, I might name my daughter that, it’s pretty though.” The woman made her way and said, “Young Colleen, I’m sure your grandmother would not like you socializing with children of,” she sniffed at Betty “her kind if you know what is good for you.” She and Betty enjoyed lunch and exchanged addresses, but at some point the letters were displaced and suddenly Colleen found herself working as a waitress and as a welder and fell in love with a GI who married her and had four beautiful children, when she saw Betty’s face and a new last name, her mind joggled. _

Douglas Keery sat down with his rosary, alone with his sister’s casket, he wondered what went wrong, and why he couldn’t have figured out that Kevin was bad news for his sister or listened when his mother was saying “nasty” things about him, brushing it off as her being a typical mother-in-law to Kevin, they are always giving the husband a hard time. Maybe if he listened, maybe if he critically looked at Kevin, maybe his sister would still be alive. He thought he would handle this after Vietnam, he saw villages burn, kids screaming bloody, and mothers nursing half-dead babies, he was sure things were better in the good old USA, but in a country where a Black woman took the nerve to fun for President was one where his sister was beaten down from the inside by someone like Kevin…and he didn’t stop it. His very artistic and sweet little sister, he stared at the lip gloss on her lips mesmerized by the color.

_“Happy Birthday Douglas!” the whole family and his classmates shouted as his mother put a heavily frosted chocolate cake in front of him, with all twelve candles lit up for him. He closed his eyes and blew them out, perfect, all the candles are out and he was greeted by his family and friends clapping. Even baby Patrick lifted his tubby hands to clap and he was particularly excited by the cake and would soon be accompanied by vanilla bean ice cream scoops with a choice of caramel and chocolate syrups made by his grandmother, to almost the amazement and disgust of most, younger brother Howard decided to shake salt on his syrup-covered ice cream and cake claiming it tasted delicious. Later Douglas unwrapped his presents: old Superman comics, pajamas, shoes, bow ties, dress shirts, pants, a game of Yahtzee that Howard saved up his allowance and newspaper delivery money for, and finally Pamela had their father bring in a present she worked on for several days: his homemade go-cart, partly made up of wood and old trash cans was painted a shiny coat of red-pink lipstick colored paint with a very detailed image of Superman flying on top and where there was a rough wooden seat was a gently-used piece of upholstery that would give him the support to sit up straight as he likes when driving. “He looked to Pamela, “You did all this yourself?” She bashfully nodded while their father added, “She used two coats of paint to create a color that could stand out in the light and worked intensively on that Superman.” The room was still amazed, “It looks like the real artist actually did it” commented one of Douglas’s classmates. To the surprise of his Little League team, Douglas started hugging his sister._

“Howard, you need to eat something,” Sandy Purser-Keery told him. He looked up at his wife with her hands on her wide and capable hips with a concerned look on her pale and freckled visage with her red hair curling freely. Truly for someone only five years younger than he, she really kept herself together no matter what was happening to her and she was driven, probably why his parents didn’t object to much to him wanting to marry her after dating for three months. She at 21 years old insisted on keeping her job and continuing her studies in Drama and Mathematics and is now starting out as a teacher; he remembered seeing her at a performance of _Georgy Girl_ at the Southern Illinois University of Edwardsville, before Eleanor Schlafly and her Junior Leaguers and friends from Church decided on a letter writing campaign against it and the play only ran for two weeks and then they had to work on the much more approved _Oklahoma!_ Nonetheless, it was amazing to see Sandy be mouthy, goofy, and awkward with discomfort in her own skin as Georgy Parkin and strong-willed and sure of her own desirability as Laurey Williams; transforming from a girl in a sloppy sweater and mussed hair to a homespun independent pioneer woman in a full skirt of gingham and a face-framing old-fashioned updo, Howard went weak in the knees and he socialized with her in groups with his younger brother Patrick, who then after about a month forced him into asking her if she’d like to dance. He had to wait as she promised to dance with a few guys, but she patiently instructed him how to do the Hustle and asked him if they’d like to hit the roller disco later. After a few weeks of roller skating, he asked her to dinner and it seemed fate.

But now she was forcing him to eat something before they headed to his dead sister’s viewing and Rosary, “I know Pamela wouldn’t like to think of her little brother going hungry and I don’t want to disappoint her.” He smirked, “Even if you see Phyllis Schlafly?” and she made a mocking face and with a strong imitation of the famous right-wing activist she said, “Yes, after all the ERA would force women to do things like strong arm their husbands into eating and force them to interact with demagogues.” He took a bite of the chicken sandwich she put together: leftover fried chicken cutlets, hot sauce they got from a trip to California, cut up red onions, and in between Italian bread she bought from a bakery while she took a trip to see Judy Chicago with her friends. It was a miracle that he introduced her to Pamela after she attended the convention in Houston, while Pamela didn’t abandon the Eagle Forum, she seemed slightly more open to a jeans-wearing, _Ms._ reading, feminist who wore her hair freely or in a hasty ponytail or with a kerchief covering her hair and they got on beautifully, especially with Kevin’s loosey-goosey but sweet sister Lorraine joined in on the conversation.

_It was such a boring chilly Saturday so far, Howard went to see if his friends were all available but somehow they all came down with the measles, the chicken pox, or the mumps. What a dull day this was going to be, he made his way home, sure not to muss up the clean floors that Hattie had recently polished and stopped at his brother Howard who was busy studying for a big exam on History this Friday, “My chances of going to high school depend on it” and Patrick was taking one of his naps, then on his way to his room, he saw Pamela alone with her dolls and school friends Karen Merkel and the Shillaber Twins. “Hello Captain Howard, would you like to join us for tea?” asked Pamela in a big old floppy hat she found in the attic and her Church gloves holding out a plate of assorted cookies each of the girls brought from their kitchens and hot cocoa made by their mother. His first impulse was to say no, it was sissy stuff, but he knew that his mother would end up giving him two options: join your sister or peel potatoes for the casserole she would make for dinner. “Madam Pamela,” he bowed holding his cap “it would be an honor to participate in this tea ceremony with you and these fine ladies.” He sat down as he imagined a fancy gentleman would if he were invited to a ladies afternoon tea, “What shall be served, Madam? You always make a nice table of delectable treats,” careful to pronounce some of the words. Pamela and the girls smiled, “We are serving hot cocoa that Mother prepared and the ladies have brought Prairie teacakes, chocolate covered strawberries, chocolate chip cookies, gingerbread cookies leftover from Christmas, a variety of thumbprint cookies based on Midgie’s grandmother’s favorite bakery from California, Lemon Bars, Brownies, petit fours and bologna tea sandwiches with the crusts cut off that I prepared earlier.” Douglas smiled, “That sounds quite lovely, I believe the teacakes and strawberries are your’s Madam Karen?” Karen smiled, revealing that she lost her last baby tooth in the front, “Yes they are Captain Howard, my Mother grew the strawberries in her greenhouse and she helped me heat the chocolate after I shaved it and the teacakes were from my grandmother.”_

It took a lot of strength for Patrick to look down at Pamela’s dead body, oddly in death; she seemed to have regained a sort of spark in her face that she had lost for about a decade. She seemed to sparkle less when she got married and he felt a sense of dread about her abandoning a spot in a college with a robust art program when she accepted Kevin’s proposal, he used to think Kevin was so cool and manly, but he trapped his big sister. As the years went by, Pamela seemed to have lost her humor and her enthusiasm and her willingness to join in any activity to become more prone to crying, more passive, more insecure, and she seemed to have faded like this Flag that his Cub Scout troop leader forgot to have pull down and eventually the sun took the bright reds and blues and made it into a dull reddish pink and a duller blue.

_The two of them just got out of a double-feature for Beneath the Planet of the Apes and How Do I Love Thee? “That film was horrible!” Pamela laughed. Patrick started laughing, “I wonder how hard up Maureen O’Hara and Jackie Gleason were for money?” Pamela twirled around in her floaty floral appliqued yoke dress laughing, “I feel like Shelley Winters wanted to scream ‘Let me out of here! They are holding us prisoner!’” She smirked at him and said, “I’ll race you to Burger Chef” and she started running with Patrick trying to catch up in his jeans and high-tops with sweat coming at his t-shirt’s armpits, oddly Pamela didn’t have this issue, droplets were on her very clear face and her hair stayed intact with only a few strays out of the bump. “How do you not look like a mess?” to which his older sister quipped, “Boys sweat, but girls glisten. Okay I got us a place in line as you can see, let’s order.”_

_Later they sat down facing each other, sharing a chocolate shake and fries, over two Cokes and two cheeseburgers. “To our new lives as Patrick Keery, teenager and Mrs. Kevin Whalen!” for some reason that made Patrick cringe, his sister was not only getting married and moving out of the house, but it wasn’t to college or an apartment with the Shillaber twins but with Kevin Whalen, the former BMOC and she was going to be Mrs. Kevin not Pamela Keery anymore. “I look forward to married life, I do want to be a wife and mother and I am not meant to be sitting at a typewriter or burning my bra,” commented Pamela who was taking a break from her strict cottage cheese and melon diet for her wedding dress, “I’m not saying you have to be like those women’s libbers, but there has to be something in between,” he choked back a tear “I’m going to miss you, we won’t have fun like this anymore.” She touched his shoulder, “Baby brother, I’m not going anywhere.”_

Now Patrick sat with his stoic but clearly grieving parents and with his women’s libber sister-in-law (who he befriended), his two older brothers (one happily married with said feminist and the other in therapy, to the bemusement of their father, for his anger issues), his now motherless nieces and nephews, and his now-hated brother-in-law who looked like he was being inconvenienced at the least, robbed at the most. Patrick turned to his parents, “I’m going to get some fresh air for a bit before the prayers start,” given that he fulfilled the social obligations with this family greeting guests (he was amazed at Sandy shaking hands with Phyllis Schlafly and her peers) and his parents gave him understanding nods.

Outside he took a deep breath and made a loud sigh, “Hey,” said a voice and he turned and saw a gorgeous, dark-haired young woman with strong brows and a curvaceous figure. He stood up, “Hey, I’m Patrick Keery, my sister is in there,” he couldn’t get used to admitting his sister was dead. The woman turned somber, “Oh I’m so sorry, I’m with my family, I am Beth Macray.” She was more familiar, “Yes! Your mom is friends with my sister!” She looked amused, “Yes over that awful STOP ERA campaign, as if their dear leader didn’t have a career and ambition of her own.” Patrick smiled but he wanted to ask, “You don’t think that the campaign was to save the status of the homemaker?” and she replied, “What kind of status? Being all pretty and cooking and cleaning to impress a guy who doesn’t respect her brain or has to be reminded his wife has a personality?” Patrick laughed, “Touche,” and held his hand out, “Patrick Keery, I currently work as a sales rep at State Farm but my dream job is to work for a hair company or become a hairdresser”. She smiled and took his hand, “Junior High School librarian and I remember seeing you do some underwear ads for the local shops, nice,” she winked.

Alice Macray went to check on her Beef Stroganoff when she looked and saw Lorraine Santiago and Sandy Keery by the buffet table filling their plates with Phyllis picking up some Waldorf Salad and deviled eggs, looking very critically at the two younger and more liberal women in their comparatively less traditional attire (modest and in dark or neutral colors but Lorraine was wearing khaki pants and a silk print blouse with her hair loose and Alice could see that Phyllis was going to comment on Sandy’s size, her short sleeves and sheath, and the amount she had on her plate). Alice tried to blend in as much as possible as to not draw attention to herself on the line, her stroganoff was good, and clearly Lorraine brought a delicious vegetable stir-fry and she will have those tostones the Gadiel made. She saw Phyllis give them both an icy look up and down; the younger women merely smiled politely at her and bade her hello as they busied themselves filling their plates. “My, I couldn’t imagine wearing such a light-colored outfit to a funeral and pants,” Phyllis said “So modern, I couldn’t wear that, I’m too traditional I suppose.” Lorraine smiled, “Well thank you, I just got out of work when I took the family here and Pamela always loved this blouse. She actually picked this out for my 30th birthday party.” Alice caught Phyllis catching herself as Lorraine told Sandy to meet her outside with Colleen and Alice’s mother Marion, taking two extra soda cans for the two older women. As Sandy scooped some of Alice’s stroganoff on her plate, Phyllis commented, “That is a lovely dress on you, very form-fitting and shows off every bump,” the young redhead blandly smiled and went on to take some stir-fry vegetables and a banana cream pie brought by Eleanor. “You know dear,” Phyllis continued, to which the young Keery wife turned, “it would be wise to not overload your plate, us girls have to watch our figures for our husbands.” Sandy turned to Phyllis, “Thank you Mrs. Schlafly, but I am quite content with my figure and its bumps and I am secure in the knowledge my husband married me for more than my good looks. Have a lovely evening.” And the younger redhead turned to eat outside, Alice had to suppress a giggle, to which Phyllis snapped, “Oh get off with it!”

“She helped out defending our Faith, Family, and Flag. We miss Pamela Whalen.” Clapping started and Alice could see some members of Pamela’s family were clapping politely, looking to each other for support; Mrs. Keery had a wide frown in particular regarding Phyllis using this service as a means to talk about her platform and her accomplishments, as if her daughter was only a mere presence. It was Alice’s turn, “Hello everyone, I see that everyone who has shown up here was very important to Pamela herself during her life. She taught me a lot, she gave me the courage to stand on my own beliefs and not to be afraid to take risks, she opened my eyes to a lot of things I wasn’t aware of, she always painted a lovely joke or story for me,” Pamela’s family were smiling more. “She always was interested in what I was doing or what has been going on in my life and she interested me to some very fine people who became friends in some way. She encouraged me to come out of my shell and see a wide, open world and she taught me the importance of standing up your beliefs and for others when no one else barely bothers to or the importance of befriending people who get overlooked, she did that for me, I felt invisible for a long time but she helped me see how valuable my skills and opinions are. So I want to thank Mr. and Mrs. Keery for raising a fine daughter who was able to have that effect on me, be a loving mother and supportive friend, and to see things for what they are. You have done an excellent job and I thank you for her.” Mr. Keery was crying and clapping enthusiastically, Mrs. Keery was squealing in delight and hugged her husband, Pamela’s brothers all stood up grinning and crying while applauding, Pamela’s sibling in-laws were beaming, Kevin sat confused and looking quite frosty.

Later when most of the crowd has dispersed from the meeting room of the Church, Alice looked around and saw her mother helping with small clean up. “Pamela’s younger brother Patrick went out with Beth,” Marion smiled “I’m hoping she would settle down with him, maybe she can help him settle down, he wants to work in that MTV scene, feels a bit shaky.” Alice stacked some empty dishes, making sure the half-filled dishes were kept separate, “Let’s not throw those away Mother, Gadiel and Sandy don’t care for wasting food.” Marion, smiled in a bemused manner, “they sure scrimp and save, don’t they?” Alice nodded, “They do, I’m glad to hear that about Beth but you won’t believe how successful MTV is, the girls at my work talk a lot about it, it’s what they watch at home.” Marion chortled, “Well yes I remember you and your collection of Doris Day records.” Alice stood up seriously, “Mother, is there something the matter? I notice how you get very nervous around Gadiel, Lorraine, and Sandy.” Marion, looked down embarrassed, “Well I suppose I’m not used to people like them, he being from another culture with another language and his darker skin and Sandy is a radical libber like Lorraine who has always been improper.” Alice looked softly at her mother and hugged her, “Mother, they are very dear people. Sandy is such a loving and strong influence on Howard, always encouraging him to be more of the man he already is, and you should see how she handled Phyllis’s subtle putdowns about her weight. Gadiel is a dear, loving man who cherishes his wife,” well no Gadiel respected Lorraine thought Alice “very friendly and a very good cook, and a loving father and uncle. He and Lorraine have been taking care of the children and made sure they had a delightful few days at a theme park before the funeral.” Alice clutched at her cross, “And Lorraine is such a delight, she always greets you like she is happy to meet you, always loved dancing, and she worked hard to make Pamela feel like one of the Whalen’s.” Alice held her mother’s hands, “Mother I’d like for us to talk things out more, meet for lunch, there is so much I want to talk to you about.”

Lorraine was crying on Gadiel’s shoulder, with him stroking her back when Johnny came up, “I’m so disappointed, I should have done more,” she wailed. “I know the feeling Lor, I wish I would have tried harder to make her feel more welcome at mom and dads’ and that I encouraged Kevin to be kinder.” Gadiel extended an arm out to him and they joined in a hug when the petite blonde Caroline came up in a black floral dress with a tall, attractive, brunette in a flight attendant suit, “Sorry to interrupt, this is Karen Merkel, she’s a classmate of Pamela’s from school,” everyone shook hands. “I’m so sorry about Pamela dying, the last time I saw her was in Washington D.C.” and Caroline continued, “Also Mr. and Mrs. Keery really want to meet with us at their house two hours before the Rosary starts on Tuesday. They think we could be very useful for something they have planned,” the intrepid university library technician concluded before turning to Karen who seemed knowledgeable about what was going on, “Karen could you get Alice Macray? She’s the woman in the black dress with the vivid pink florals.”

As Alice made her way back in to pick up her casserole dish, she thought she saw Gloria Steinem, no it wasn’t as the young woman wasn’t wearing glasses and she was younger and taller, “Hello Mrs. Macray, I’m Karen Merkel, I was a classmate and friend of Pamela’s.” They greeted and she told Alice, “The Whalens would like to talk to you outside.”

**1985**

“She died,” Alice sadly replied. Gloria was quite shocked, the red-haired woman didn’t look any older than 25 when she saw her in 1977, “I’m sorry, do you mind if I ask if she was ill?”

Alice looked back at her, clearly gathering her faculties, “She committed suicide, the nice thing that came out of it was that my older daughter started dating Pamela’s younger brother, they’re engaged, and they are hoping to adopt Pamela’s children. They are currently in their maternal grandparents’ custody.” Alice remembered how those days in the courtroom went, she testified for either Lorraine and Gadiel, Pamela’s parents, Johnny and Caroline, or even Howard and Sandy to take custody of Pamela’s children away from Kevin. He would rage on about how they are “taking a man’s children away from him”, Alice knew that he didn’t care about the children and that they were there so he could keep Pamela at home and he rather liked the idea of people saying they look like a lovely family than of actually being there for them and loving them. Nothing was good enough for him, not even Pamela, he was never beautiful enough to her and she faded away.

“Alice,” Gloria saw that a petite blonde woman with a round face was comforting Alice. The woman was wearing a pair of jeans with a 1940s style of long-sleeved cotton blouse under a windbreaker. Gloria greeted her, “Hi I’m Caroline, I’m a friend of Alice” said the blonde as she smiled. Soon an older woman with grey hair walked up in a nice looking three piece suit that Bella would have favored (minus a hat) and with an old-fashioned pair of heels and a matching purse, “Hello I’m Maureen Keery and I don’t know if you can do anything about it but could you give this envelope to Betty Friedan? I used to be friendly with her as a girl.” Gloria took it politely, she didn’t know how she was going to run across Betty without the older woman launching into a criticisms and jabs at her but she felt it was important. Confirmed by Alice, “She’s Pamela’s mother.” Later when Gloria left the mall she saw the three women with two other women, a shapely brunette in well-worn jeans and a chunky knit sweater over a shirt with a asymmetrical collar and a heavy-bottomed redhead with a pretty face dotted with freckles, loudly discussing where to stop for dinner or for drive-thru for the way home to Alton.

At her hotel room, Gloria called Betty, “Betty, it’s me. Let’s meet for lunch sometime, I have something for you, very important.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Cookie party and teacakes are something from the American Girl fan blog "A Peek Into the Pantry".
> 
> Betty Friedan's birth name was Goldstein.
> 
> Maureen O'Hara said that "How Do I Love Thee?" was a shitty movie.
> 
> I have a cast list for this fic on my Tumblr https://toongrrl-blog.tumblr.com/post/620933018724532224/the-ballad-of-pamela-whalen-cast


	5. Pamela Takes Back and Gives Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pamela leaves Kevin and creates a brighter future.

**Pamela Takes Back and Gives Back**

**1983**

Pamela turned on the blow dryer looking into the mirror as styled her hair in the mirror, careful to keep her hair conservative, nonetheless she decided to cut some bangs and she put mousse on them to ramp up the volume as she pinned her auburn locks back in a demure style. She looked at the mirror: the bangs seem assertive and feminine, pointing to the black eye she had gotten from her last argument with Kevin, it stood out from her pale, freckled skin. Her dark eyes stared at the mirror, defiant; with satisfaction, Pamela applied a red-pink lipgloss to her lips and then put on an old suit of hers, soon catching this was the suit she wore in Houston, she changed the plain white shirt and exchanged it for a v-necked aqua-colored bodysuit she bought from JC Penney’s on a whim one time and paired with a bold-patterned scarf that reminded her of something that the Hispanic woman, Carmen as Gloria Steinem called her, would wear and then she put on her new black pumps (with unique pink, teal, and yellow paint strokes all over it) before grabbing her purse and walking to her older brother’s kitchen. Douglas had laid a plate of toast and some jam from their mother while the kids ate cereal; he looked surprised and said to Pamela, “You look like you’re going to kick some ass.” Pamela answered, “For once I will do the kicking.”

On the way to the courthouse, Pamela thought things over: it had been a hard year since she tried to attempt suicide, thank God that Lorraine and Alice helped Hattie get in the house and found her losing consciousness, when she came to, she saw the women pour ipecac in her mouth to make her throw up and Hattie calling the ambulance while Alice held her hair and Lorraine helped Pamela vomit. The hospital recommended Pamela to see a psychiatrist for some appointments and even go to a support group, both of which made Phyllis cluck in disapproval “The libbers are turning psychiatry, already a shaky profession, into something where the lunatics are running the asylum” which made Lorraine and Alice leave in a huff while Kevin only got angrier because his wife “is a fucking lunatic”, only Sandy stayed to correct Phyllis about how important it was to find “the best possible way to help Pamela during this time, the woman who has done a lot for you” with Pamela’s parents nodding their heads in agreement. The therapy sessions turned out to be heaven: she was assigned a therapist who was a kind and sympathetic woman who encouraged her to speak out about feelings she was keeping down and Pamela had someone to pay attention to her, Pamela regained a glow that seemed to have lost since she gotten married with people commenting how much younger she looked. Members of the Schlafly family clucked their tongues in disapproval; with Liza being overheard expressing concern to Beth Macray over she dating Patrick given that “his sister is totally insane and unsound” (Alice told Pamela that Beth and Liza haven’t spoken since then). Somehow Pamela’s ease and mood haven’t done anything to improve Kevin’s disposition, in fact he grew worse, more bad-tempered and more critical whenever Pamela reheated leftovers, made sandwiches, or brought takeout with a salad she mixed. She was more confident at ignoring him at his worst, unfortunately he seemed to be criticizing the children more often and that didn’t sit right with her.

Douglas stole a look at his sister in the passenger seat beside him as they made the 30 minute ride from St. Louis to the courthouse in Alton: she looked beautiful, livelier and glowing, stronger than she had after a year of being married to that asshole. He cannot believe he was ever impressed by that jerk’s bravado and fishing ability, he was just like some of the Viet Cong who imprisoned some of his friends: looked so smooth and elegant but fucking psycho. He remembered getting a frantic call from Patrick: “Dougie, this is Patrick, Pamela’s been hurt by Kevin and we need your help getting her stuff outta here!” He had to tell his little brother to calm down before discussing the plan on a three-way with Alice Macray (who had Pamela right over and the kids playing with her daughter Grace), next thing he was driving rapidly down the road to Alton where he saw Pamela: the black eye stood out on her hair skin, she looked clearly sore around the shoulders and arms, her nose was bleeding but didn’t look broken, and he managed to see that a small part of her scalp was fresh bare. “Pammy!” he opened his arms and hugged her and she started crying while he massaged her hair and back, “It is okay, we’ll figure this out.”

Alice called Tommy to help out with moving clothing, hygiene and beauty items, cassettes and records, books, blankets, pillows, a radio from Kimmy’s room, Pamela’s recipe box and a few cookbooks, at the last moment Douglas grabbed her old tea set that she kept in a box and her art supplies. Then Alice asked if they got all the baby’s items, then came Tommy who held a huge box, “I got them Mom” with a big smile. Douglas could see the resemblance between mother and son now.

Pamela waited with her lawyer and Douglas and looked around the lobby: she was aware that Alice was going to testify for her. She noticed both of Kevin’s siblings were going to testify with their spouses. Phyllis stopped answering her calls and seemed to have acted like Pamela didn’t exist at all except to tell her that she was breaking her vows to God, “Kevin broke them first, even before we were married, he’s always treated me like I was no better than a pebble in his shoe and believe it or not, Mr. Fred sees you the same way” and left the older blonde woman looking blanch white with her blue eyeshadow looking fluorescent over her eyes. Hattie just arrived in the room, in case she needed to testify about Kevin, “The way he was acting, even before he laid a hand on you, wasn’t right and it was such a powder keg”. Rosemary reached out to her, looking genuinely concerned, but when she started talking to Pamela about how she was damaging her children and leading them to drugs… “the total breakdown of the American family and society”… as she breaks the family apart, Pamela shut her up and sent her on her way, “You and your boss are the reason why kids are taking drugs and you looked better dressed as a Libber than in anything shitty and expensive you ever wore Chia Pet!”

Kevin, with his parents and a lawyer recommended to him by Fred Schlafly, tried to give her looks to intimidate her. She was tired of giving him and to his parents: his father who was practically heartless and once said of her to Kevin “Well this pasty little girl will never cheat on you son” as he critiqued Pamela’s stuffed chicken like he was a veteran in complicated recipes and Kevin’s horrible mother, they both hardly bothered to see Gadiel’s and Lorraine’s kids. Pamela knew she was doing the right thing by herself and her children; she delighted when she saw her parents come in with her doctor, all to testify in favor of Pamela. Then a door opened:

“Pamela Whalen. Kevin Whalen, you may come in.”

**1985**

“She’s right over there,” Alice waved to someone in one of the book stacks where a familiar looking but transformed redhead came out of them with a cloth bag with several books. The once mousy redhead looked transformed with a glowing complexion, a buoyant stacked perm that seemed to move with her every step, bright lip-gloss and an eyeshadow with several different shades, turquoise enamel flower buds in her ears with a matching pin on the left lapel of an orange corduroy jacket, she wore a simple white blouse in thin vertical blue and red and yellow lines, bright yellow jeans, and blue sneakers and a confident spark in her eye where there used to be a look of stress and tiredness.

“Hello,” smiled the redhead “My name is Pamela, I was just picking up some books that I have been meaning to own after checking out so many times from the library” Gloria spotted copies of _The Color Purple_ , _Woman Warrior_ , _Empire of the Sun_ , a few Stephen King and Roald Dahl and Beverly Cleary novels, several books by Maya Angelou, a well-read copy of Gloria’s own book, _The Stepford Wives_ and _Rosemary’s Baby_ , _The Ordinary Princess_ “I wanted to get a fairy tale book for my youngest, it looks promising” and explained that it was about a princess who was given a spell by a fairy to make her ordinary looking but she goes off on her own adventures, “I really think this is something I wished I read as a child and read to my older children.”

A small light-skinned black girl with an asymmetrical haircut in belted light sweater and jeans with pastel pink and yellow patches came by with a younger version of Pamela replying “It sounds good, Aunt Pammy, I might want to borrow that myself!” both girls giggling before introductions were made. “Ms. Steinem, this is my daughter Kimberly and my sweet niece Holly Luz.” Holly Luz and Kimberly were sweet, intelligent young women who had a lot of questions for her about possibly a magazine with a realized consciousness for teens could exist (without losing the coverage of fashion and pop culture); “I don’t want to see a magazine encourage me to exercise so I can have my body look a certain way,” said Holly Luz “I want to be encouraged so I can be strong and I want to be able to dissect what I’m watching and reading, I also want to see more girls and women like me in the media overall. I was so angry when Vanessa Williams lost her crown, I feel it so calculated, just to punish a smart black woman who won a traditionally lily-white crown.” An attractive brunette laughed, “Were you dog-earing my _Ms._ issues before I got to read them?”

Later as Gloria made her way onto the airplane, she thought a lot about Pamela, who changed in ways that cannot be measured. She had been campaigning against the ERA in the last decade with Alice, yet she showed up to her book signing bringing her daughter, mother, sister-in-law’s, and niece. She loved spotting them later in line at a movie theater during her taxi ride where they were in line to see _Girls Just Want to Have Fun_ , “I don’t care if the reviews were negative, that film was just reinforced everything we worked for: women’s independence, sisterhood, and such a brilliant send up of our capitalist society and pop culture landscape”. Pamela’s children and nephews and nieces were lucky to have her as an aunt, especially Holly Luz and Kimberly, thinking of how Pamela was massaging their necks and cuddling them close.

As she got on the plane to her Albuquerque flight and sat down in her seat, she saw another familiar face: a tall flight attendant she remembered, her name was Karen and more than a decade ago she remembered this woman resenting the feminist movement for insisting that men could do her job and women can be pilots “You’re telling people to fight what’s in our nature and biology” and that Gloria’s work was making women discontent. Now she was handing out some flight attendant’s pins to little boys and little girls were allowed pilot’s wings, she walked up in her suit with her long honey-colored hair bouncing and saw Gloria and smiled, “Hello, very nice to see you again.” Gloria smiled, “Glad to see you again, what changed since you told me this isn’t the way the world works?” Karen smiled at her, “Do you have time for a drink when we get to our destination?”

_“Go walk home you fucking bitch!” Karen found herself on the ground with her left knee getting scraped. Kevin had took her to a particular place to make out in but frankly she didn’t feel like the 1st date was a good time to start getting hot and heavy, much less kiss, and he didn’t take it well and he tried to kiss her but she kept pushing him back and then he shoved her out of his car and sped fast. Ugggh her stockings how have holes and runs and her knee ended up bleeding, and her dress (a dress with a white top with wide ruffles at the cuffs and scoop neckline, bright yellow sash, and a turquoise pencil skirt with a bit of something to spread out in) is dirty, her hair looked dingy, what was she going to tell her parents? She started walking and heard Douglas Whalen (on leave from the army) calling out from his car, “Hey Karen! Need a ride!” On the ride home she thought to keep it to herself: her parents would panic and restrict her movements, no one at school would believe her about Kevin “Golden Boy” Whalen, and Kevin was surely going to be nasty and make up rumors (which he did for a while). Gosh was she disappointed when her old friend Pamela started dating Kevin._

“Well when I started working with men in my profession, I was forced to see that they are competent at the job and people are people, they were attentive and kind. Of course they were more assertive when it comes to the drunk passengers,” Karen giggled over her Pina Colada “that was triumphant when a colleague told this woman claiming to be a Princess in her country that he’s a Queen here and he outranks her” she looked to Gloria with her Strawberry Daquiri and I read something where Whitney Young examined his fear of a black pilot on his plane botching things up, it was all internalized self-hatred.” The same self-hatred that Karen possessed which followed her throughout her whole freshman year and half of the first quarter of sophomore, how she assumed she wouldn’t find an ally at home or with her friends, “I also mistrusted myself and other women.” She thought about her mother who she had to stop from making comments on her young daughters’ appearance or criticizing them or the fights she had with her parents about becoming a flight attendant after high school rather than going to college or settling down with a boy who tried to pin her, “I learned that from my mother---but I’m not going to pass it on to my daughters”, choking back tears and the older woman touched her shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze, God she wondered what happened to Pamela after marrying Kevin. Hope that asshole isn’t hurting her.

**1990**

Pamela came in through the door with a full grocery bag full of four different cheeses (and after a hard day at her job at Saint Martha’s Hall counseling battered women and their children) to see Holly Luz (attending Harris-Stowe State University) and Kimberly (University of Missouri, St. Louis) working on plans for a joint “Take Back the Night” rally and boiling pasta and mixing roux for macaroni and cheese (for Hattie’s retirement party).

“Hello girls,” Pamela smiled with her perm long and blown out, setting down her groceries “glad to see you two working on the casserole already for tomorrow, how is your working going?” Holly Luz smiled, “We are going to march and rally at Lafayette Park and we have a garbage can where women can write notes with the name of their rapist or abuser and toss it in the garbage can.” Kimberly grinned, adding: “We have permission to set the notes on fire.”

Pamela smiled, these two girls were around the same age she was when she attended that DAR luncheon at Phyllis’s house and they were so much more self-assured and idealistic than she ever was. Pamela kind of wondered what would have happened if she grew up the same way she did, but put it out of her mind and added: “That sounds great, I can put a word in at work and see if anyone will be willing to attend, I think I might add my name in if you two girls don’t mind.”

Holly Luz noticed there was a quiet tension in the room: she knew it was pretty hard ever since Aunt Pam admitted that Uncle Kevin was (gray) raping her and verbally abusing her every night and there was even a loud fight in the family. Kimberly had to reckon with the fact that some of her brothers were conceived against her mother’s will and that there was no chance that Uncle Kevin would have faced punishment for how much he was hurting Pamela. It was a good thing he and her maternal grandparents stopped talking to her Mom and Uncle Johnny, Holly Luz wouldn’t have felt safe around him. She didn’t mourn it; she never felt close to him or her grandparents, they seemed to act as if they preferred she and her siblings didn’t exist at all. It kind of hurt knowing that her loving grandparents lived out of state and the ones close by wouldn’t show up for Grandparents Day at school (it felt awkward to explain). Mrs. Macray and Kimberly’s maternal grandparents were great, her own parents were very loving and fun, but they couldn’t fill that hole.

Kimberly replied, “Mom are you ready for that? There is talk of Mrs. Schlafly showing up to counter-protest and she will say something about it.” Pamela looked defiant, “Let her say something, that will just show that she never cared one iota about me or women who were in the position I was, I said my piece to her and I will speak out myself.”

The phone rang and Pamela picked it up, “Hello this is Pamela Keery speaking.”

“Pamela, this is Alice” Pamela perked up “Have you seen the news? The American’s with Disabilities Act is being signed into law!”

“Alice! That’s incredible! After all your work and all the progress you have made!” For the past decade, Alice had gotten herself diagnosed with dyslexia after one of her grandsons received a diagnosis from school and she found out that his struggles in academics were similar to her own and obtained a test. She worked on her dyslexia and gotten help, was praised by a teacher for her work and natural problem-solving skills and was recommended to attend a support group for adults with disabilities. It was there that Alice started getting involved in disability activism, even joining in to assist at the Capitol Crawl in Washington D.C. and from what Pamela heard, Alice told Phyllis and Fred off when they accused the disability rights bill on “infringing on religious freedom and the rights of business owners” telling them she is disabled and that people of all disabilities deserve a space at the table, not to be hidden away like they are something to be ashamed of.

“I actually also used the skills we learned on Phyllis’s campaign for the bill, ironically.”

This gave Pamela an idea. She knew that there was a federal law needed to protect women from abuse, to advocate for the rights of abused women, to prosecute and punish the abusers, but the movement she felt needed a shot in the arm. With skills she learned from the master…..okay mistress (even if that mistress felt it would “destroy the American family”).

“Pamela I want to confide something in you.”

“Yes?”

“Me and Buck are separating informally, we’re still living together but we’re incompatible with one another, I don’t feel like I love him anymore and he doesn’t care for me that way. We’re seeing other people but keeping a low profile, we’re not comfortable coming out about it or pursuing a divorce.”

“Alice, how do you feel?”

“I feel great, the other thing is, I found I really, really like women even more than men.”

It all made sense to Pamela, she felt that Alice was particularly attached to Phyllis, beyond idolization and inferiority and she felt energy from Alice as they saw Gloria Steinem walking towards their hotel room. It made so much sense; Pamela felt a rush of guilt wash over her for the past.

“Alice, I’m sorry I haven’t been more tolerant in the past, if you want to meet this weekend, I’d love to see you so we can talk.”

“I appreciate that Pamela, I really do, you’ve done a lot for me.”

The next day, Pamela made a recommendation to her supervisor to organize a meeting with several organizations to train volunteers and activists how to lobby legislators and give interviews on television, that it is imperative they learn to be camera ready and be able to persuade lawmakers…..no enough of Phyllis’s crap about propriety, Pamela decided she will be willing to testify to lawmakers and if they are willing, so will many other women just like her.

**1994**

She shut her eyes and remembered testifying to Senator Joseph R. Biden about her abuse from Kevin.

_At first he was a Prince, I was amazed he would talk to a gawky young woman like me given that he was a handsome upperclassman, charmed most of my relatives and friends. He would blow up every time another boy spoke to me; I thought he was being protective of me. Our honeymoon, he pushed me down on the bed and after he was done, I felt sort of numb and was thankful I pleased him, it was a wonder I would eat I hardly had an appetite. Then there were the rules, I had to tell him everywhere I was going and who I was going with, I had to do everything at home without his help and it was never enough for him. He forced me onto bed, it wasn’t violent, but he kept pushing and pushing and he’d get me by the shoulders and even then it wasn’t enough, I wasn’t beautiful enough for him or sexy enough. I kept getting pregnant, I loved my children but I often thought they were anchors keeping me closer to the house, no one at Church thought anything was unusual “He is the man of the castle” I was told. He’d humiliate me in front of relatives and friends, he’d yank me, he’d call me stupid, he said I was lucky he married me, all I ended up caring about was keeping my children happy and I did good with that, they weren’t aware. At the same time I was participating in campaigns and events of people who’d oppose helping women like me, I thought I deserved my fate, some of my peers said I needed to try harder at home to make him happy. I thought if I gave him what he wanted, he’d leave me alone. I was married to him for about 13 years and I kept his house clean with the help of my parents’ maid once a week so I can get out of the house with the kids, I did everything for him, I cooked his favorite meals, I put up with his relatives, I didn’t mind the insults, I hid the tears, I got used to being pulled around or humiliated, eventually he started screaming at the children and I had to try my childrens’ tears while holding back my own. He asked “why were my kids so fucking pathetic”, I wanted my children to feel loved, and I wasn’t in the best shape to give them what they needed because I was learning how to be easier on myself. But then he started shoving my son around for acting like a “sissy” and not being picked for most of the sports teams that season, I decided to step in for my son but my poor children saw their father roughhouse me, pulling my hair, punching me, hitting me against the walls. My brother and a few friends helped me get out, my brother a Vietnam veteran said that I looked like his brothers who were POWs from the Viet Cong. I want to say that battered women aren’t failures as wives and girlfriends: we are all women trying to do our best, often putting someone else’s wants first before our needs, and even then it wasn’t enough. I think we are owed justice._

Today the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) was passed by Congress and Pamela was proud, finally she felt like she was being listened to and that finally the country was going to treat women a lot better, she said a deep prayer for all the women like her: religious, sheltered, seemingly unremarkable, abused, and exploited currently in situations like she was. She hoped she could help them this instant, but she had to do her best and what she can with her limited tools. Perhaps, she can take classes with Alice in advocacy, Alice was being an advocate for people with disabilities maybe Pamela could be one for abused women and children, she did it volunteer wise when she wasn’t teaching art classes at the shelter.

The phone rang, Pamela sighed, it better not be Kevin or Phyllis. It wasn’t:

“Hello, Pamela? This is Karen, Karen Merkel from school?”

“Hi Karen, nice hearing from you, how is being a flight attendant?”

“Great, I was promoted to supervisor two years ago and I get to be the advocate I needed when I started working on the job. Is everything going okay with you and Kevin?”

“Better, I divorced him years ago. Want to meet for lunch?”

Pamela smiled over a letter that Gadiel helped her translate, from a notorious young woman she empathized with in the news:

_Dear Sra. Keery,_

_Thank you for your letter, I hope you forgive me for writing in Spanish and not English. But I appreciate your letter to me, the news and the talk shows talk of me like I am a crazy woman or a witch but you seem to see the pain I have been through and how helpless I felt. Your letter, where you told your story about you and your children, gave me hope that one day I will be happy and I will become as strong as you. I want to become more educated and have children to love, I want to help women as helpless as me and you, women who like me don’t have English skills. I love the drawing you gave me where you drew me with roses in my hand and a hand saying “Stop”. You gave me wings._

_By the Grace of God,_

_Lorena Bobbitt_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a few sources I found about divorce in Illinois, the history of the battered womens' movement, and women's shelters in St. Louis https://www.dupagefamilylawattorneys.com/dupagedivorceblog/history-of-divorce  
> https://www.faylawfirm.com/blog/2015/03/mental-cruelty-as-grounds-for-a-divorce/#:~:text=Courts%20in%20Illinois%20have%20established,spouse%20treated%20the%20other%20badly.&text=This%20cruelty%20must%20have%20taken,was%20subjected%20to%20the%20cruelty.  
> https://www.history.com/news/burning-bed-syndrome-francine-hughes-domestic-abuse  
> http://saintmarthas.org/resources/history-of-battered-womens-movement/  
> https://people.uvawise.edu/pww8y/Supplement/-ConceptsSup/Gender/HerstoryDomV.html
> 
> I made a cast list for this fanfic! https://toongrrl-blog.tumblr.com/post/620933018724532224/the-ballad-of-pamela-whalen-cast
> 
> The scene where Karen talks to Gloria is a reference to Gloria's passage about airlines and flight attendants in "On the Road" and I lifted some dialogue from it.

**Author's Note:**

> The title of the fic is taken from Marianne Faithfull's "The Ballad of Lucy Jordan", another song about a very desperate and sheltered housewife (I love Thelma & Louise!) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7GoTAmvxw0&t=70s
> 
> Yes I named the popular girl "Karen", but she's not that kind of Karen. 
> 
> The comments Gloria made about homemakers and prostitutes was a rip on something where Gloria talked about how single men often had to pay for the services of wives: housekeeping, cooking, sex, laundry. Look into "The Mommy Myth" for more and Gloria said in a PBS interview that being a housewife is one of the worst jobs in the United States: overworked, unpaid, having to ask for money for the household or herself, domestic violence, and the possibility of being replaced by a younger worker (Trophy Wife) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xp3_wc8_Tmk
> 
> I liked that Pamela's mother and sister-in-law were supporting her and were using their toolset to aid her (I figure that either they encouraged her to leave or not, given that Pamela is from a very conservative Catholic family). My heart was happy seeing the feminist characters with their daughters at the convention (I loved Betty's scene with her daughter in "Betty" where they hugged).
> 
> Lorraine participated in one of these national sit-ins https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y505KwHp4O4
> 
> I liked the idea of giving Pamela some shady thoughts about Rosemary and those other women and I admit as a Queer Latina Aspie, it was kind of hard digging deep into the mind of a person who not only is more right-leaning than I, but probably wouldn't like me. But my heart felt a lot for Pamela and I wanted happiness and freedom for her.


End file.
